Woodrocket – Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles: The XXX Paraody – Review (NSFW)

If you haven’t heard of Woodrocket before, they make porn. Specifically streaming porn. More specifically, they tend to focus on free porn parodies based off of nerdy pop culture. Everything from Simpsons to Doctor Who. Their latest is a parody of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I think it’s the first in a series. It was so popular that their whole site had terrible buffering speeds for the first week of release. As a big fan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles I decided to watch it for review. Bottom line? Funnier than I expected and the porn part is fine, if a bit long. Let’s get into what worked and what was lacking.

april meets the ten inch mutant ninja turtles - Copy

Michelangelo’s corpse.

The Movie

master sphincter

Master Sphincter is a self-proclaimed Furry.

So the movie features and is produced by porn star April O’Neil. As you may be able to figure out, she’s a fan of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and stars as April O’Neil in this, based on the yellow-jumpsuited version seen in the 80s cartoon. But this one is Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles. Everyone else in this has a parody name and they range from funny (The Spreader) to creative (Leanardho) to painful (Casey Bones).

ten inch mutant ninja turtles starring april oneil

Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles starring April O’Neil

The movie starts with illustrations of the turtles as actual turtles while Master Sphincter explains their origin, briefly. In this version a horny guy from the nuclear power plant jerked off into the sewer, causing the turtles to mutate. Oh, and Master Sphincter? He wasn’t down there. He’s a furry. That got a laugh out of me.

april channel 69 news - Copy

Those aren’t black borders – this is how they show the TV in the Turtle Lair.

The Turtles are watching April’s news on Channel 69 news and it’s about the Foot Job clan. She asks if you’ve heard of them then says of course you haven’t. They’re ninjas. They’re really quiet. Then she shows up to say hi to the Turtles in their sewer lair but is immediately interrupted by The Spreader, a female version of the Shredder and they all begin fighting.

the spreader

The Spreader is only a cameo.

Well, we see a Turtle fist and foot get blocked in close up. Then it cuts to April who says it’s the most amazing fight scene she’s ever witnessed and she feels bad for anyone who can’t see it. Pretty good gag. Casey Jones then shows up and we’re seven minutes in at this point. Casey has a pretty funny joke when he enters. He goes, “the first rule of Sewer Fight Club is don’t step in the poop.”

Casey Bones

The mask looks cool.

For the next 20 or so minutes, they have sex. It’s sex. There’s nothing really unique about any of it except Casey leaves his mask on for most of it. Oh, and also there are fight sounds of the Turtles battling the Spreader the whole time. Sometimes it’s distracting but it’s also fairly funny. When Casey and April first start going at it, Casey wonders aloud if they should help but April says they have it under control. Then you hear, offscreen, one of the Turtles saying: “This fight is really difficult!”

april oneil as april oneil

April O’Neil as April O’Neil

After Casey and April finish, all of a sudden the Turtles are lined up and say that it’s their turn. And they basically have green dildos glued onto their lower abdomen shell part. It’s pretty weird, actually. Because I’d think it would come from under those stomach shell parts. Anyway, the Turtle costumes barely move at all, about on par with the crappy Christmas special or the live action TV show. Maybe a little less expressive, although at least you can’t see any seams or zippers. April gives them a quick handjob all at once and then there’s a closeup of two of the prosthetic dicks splashing some green liquid on her. It’s not sexy and not that funny either. It kind of limps to an ending there.

april jerks off the ten inch mutant ninja turtles censored - Copy

Among the crazier things I’ve ever seen/

The Production

When you consider that it’s free, it’s pretty impressive. The Sewer Lair set is small but authentic. The April and Casey Jones costumes are spot on, like you’d see with good cosplay. The Turtle costumes? The body is pretty good and even the head/mask isn’t bad. But they faces don’t have animatronic expressions so they sort of look dead. It’s a little unsettling although they are actually only in it briefly and they have some decent one liners.

the ten inch mutant ninja turtles

The Ten Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles should spring for a lamp.

The sound is fine but the lighting is DARK. I guess that’s to hide the costume details and set design but it also makes it a little hard to make the Turtles out. April and Casey you can see but the Turtles are really hidden.

The Verdict

the ten inch mutant ninja turtles finish

Have some nightmares.

I don’t know how you call something like this a success because I’m not entirely sure who it’s for. Obviously it’s popular. Is it existing Ninja Turtle fans? Or cosplay fans? Maybe some sort of cross section? It’s not like it’s a parody of one of the plots of their movies or anything. But at least it also isn’t just references to things. It has actually silly jokes. So it’s funny and then there’s sex that you can see in detail for 20 minutes. If giggling gives you a boner, I guess this is a success.