With the nonstop news about Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce I’ve been thinking more about Madonna than I have since I was obsessed with her “Open Your Heart” video in my youth. The “Material Girl” is getting on in years, and a lively debate grew between Babette and myself yesterday. If you had to bone Madonna, which Madonna would it be?
I know it’s a crazy question, but just imagine for a moment: Black Santa, Optimus Prime, and Charles Barkley step out of a rocketship and tell you that you must have sex with Madonna in order to save the world. The good news is that they have a time travel device and you can pick which version of the singer you can bone throughout her hundred year long career.
Here’s some example Madonnas, if you can’t think of one yourself:
– Boy Toy Madonna – The one with all the crazy 80s clothes that rolled around the dance floor.
– Blonde Ambition Madonna – Cone bra Madonna
– “Golden Globes” Madonna – The one with the huge mams full of milk (I didn’t make this up)
– Like a Prayer Madonna – The one that burns crosses and has sex with Jesus
– Current Madonna – A.K.A. Sea Hag Madonna
Not having sex with Madonna is not an option, either. Not only is the world going to blow up, but Black Santa will knock your ass out and drag you to her. After that, you have no choice. She’s literally a black hole for penises. If you get within ten feet of her, you’ve already had sexual intercourse with the woman. Even if you are a woman, there’s no escape from having sex with Madonna. So you better pick which one you want now, because otherwise it defaults to Sea Hag Madonna and nobody wants that. Well, maybe except A-Rod.