Today’s episode of Star Trek: Voyager starts with the crew wrestling with the consequences of executing Tuvix to bring back Tuvok and Neelix. Just kidding! Who gives a shit about that guy! No, instead Chakotay and Janeway are waking up in tubes on the surface of an Earth-like planet. Great. It’s a Janeway episode.
Also, the sequence of events from this episode might be messed up. I forgot to write this thing all out so I’m doing this based on memory.
It turns out that Janeway and Chakotay were in stasis tubes thanks to some virus they caught on the planet. The Doctor explains that they couldn’t find a cure. Luckily, something in the atmosphere of the planet is preventing the virus from killing them. If they leave the planet, they dead. Why? Because that’s what the writers want, damn it!
The Voyager sends down all kinds of stuff for Janeway and Chakotay including a shelter, science equipment, a replicator, and a shuttle (though we never see the shuttle). Since they can’t cure Janeway and Chakotay, Janeway orders the Voyager to continue without them.
Back on the Voyager, Tuvok orders everyone to set off and Harry Kim tells him that it’s wrong to leave without them. He brings up the idea of contacting the Vidiians, since they’re so good at medicine that they might know a cure. Sure, yeah that’s great. Tuvok acts like the only person with a brain and says that the last time they had contact with the Vidiians they destroyed their ship and killed 300 of them. Well, that’s not the whole story. For that you can check out my recap of Deadlock. What Tuvok really doesn’t mention is that the Vidiians managed to board a duplicate Voyager and fucking steamroll them. I wouldn’t want to have that kind of confrontation again knowing how shitty my crew was at ship board fighting.
Still, Kim persists by going to Tuvok in private and asking him to be reasonable. Everyone on the ship wants to do something to help Janeway and Chakotay. Tuvok’s like, “Nah, bro I got this. Now call me sir and GTFO.” Kim is defeated, for now. Anyway, both Janeway and Tuvok ordered them to leave. Do your fucking job everyone.
Kim becomes a sad sack and gets with the rest of the crew to form a plan to save Janeway and Chakotay. (Also, never thought they’d bring that incident back up.) Meanwhile back on the planet, Janeway is focused on solving the virus problem by catching bugs. Kind of funny how she can do everything: command, tactical, medical (expert at killing Tuvixes), and now biology. Chakotay is more like, “Hey lady, relax. Let’s make the best of this.” At one point he’s literally making art with sand while she’s doing science stuff. It’s kind of funny.
Oh yeah, and he’s doing nice things like he makes her a bathtub. If you have sort of an inkling of where this is headed, then kudos. My mind immediately though: “Hey there’s just two of us stuck on the planet for the rest of our lives; let’s fuck.”
But before any of that business the team presents their plan to Tuvok in a sort of weird, if you don’t do this we’ll revolt sort of way and Tuvok changes his mind and he’s willing to give it a shot. They contact the Vidiians who fell in love with The Doctor. You know, the one good Vidiians in their entire race. They arrange a meeting to get some sort of cure. I’m sure this will go well.
Back on the planet, Janeway meets a small monkey in a subplot that literally goes nowhere. The important part here is that Chakotay finally reveals that he wants to get his bone on with Janeway in a subtle back rub maneuver that fails. Janeway is all, “Sorry bro.” And then Chakotay says something about some ancient legend that will do anything for a fellow female warrior. Janeway calls him out on it that it’s just made up bullshit (like all his ancient legends) and he admits it. Now, here’s were it gets odd. They cut away leaving me wonder if they banged. According to my girlfriend they banged. That’s her opinion anyway.
It’s great to imagine that people will always be faithful, but come on, there’s a certain point where if you feel like you’re stuck on a planet with someone and you’re millions of light years from Earth, you get a free pass.
Anyway, back on Voyager the crew get double crossed by the Vidiians. Duh. The Doctor and his Chick along with Tuvok manage to figure out a way to transport the antidote/anti-virus/whatever by doing a trick that allowed them to lower the Voyager’s shields. They don’t mention how the Vidiians’ shields would also have to be lowered, but whatevs. They get the stuff and escape.
They pick up Janeway and Chakotay and apparently leave the shelter and junk behind? Because apparently they have an endless supply of stuff. And want to fuck up the evolution of that monkey by leaving it tools and shelter.
Least Annoying Characters:
Most Torturous Moment:
Having to sit through the sexual build up but not seeing graphic sex on screen.
Chris Art Accuracy:
Chris was pretty off on this episode, however I was praying he would draw another shirtless Chakotay picture and boy did he deliver.
Torture Score: 3 out of 5 Neelixes