Voyager Torture: Phage (Season 1, Episode 5)

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Voyager Torture features Vincent reviewing an episode of Star Trek Voyager that he’s seen for the first time and Chris Piers creating a drawing based solely on Vincent’s review and never having seen the show.

This episode of Star Trek: Voyageur is arguably one of the worst things I’ve ever seen on my television screen. I was tempted to smash it and become an Amish while watching it.

The ship needs some diltheum crystals to keep moving. Neelix says he knows where some are and he goes down with the away team. While exploring he gets attacked and is incapacitated. When they bring him back to the sickbay the doctor says that Neelix’s lungs have been removed. Unfortunately, he does not die. The doctor makes him some holograhic lungs. The only catch is that he’s stuck in this bed in sickbay perhaps forever. They try to make you feel sorry for him, since he’s unable to move and may be forever strapped into a bed in sickbay, but he’s such a big asshole to Kes that I enjoy his pain.

The crew of the USS Voyager manages to track down the dudes who stole the lungs. It turns out that they’re from this race with a disease that can’t be cured called the Phage that makes them look super gross like rotting beef jerky, so they just steal body parts and add them to their bodies. They have this tool that the Voyager crew gets hold of that can take organs out of people. Huh, must be easier to invent that than… cloning some new organs. I also don’t understand why the Voyager crew doesn’t catch the disease from these people, yet their organs are matches for them. They probably explained it with some techno babble. I’m guessing I missed it because I was too busy screaming from the pain of watching.

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When they finally catch the beef jerky aliens we find out that Neelix’s lungs are already in one of the aliens. Whoops! Instead of doing the sensible thing, killing the guy and taking Neelix’s lungs back, low and behold the evil aliens say they can take a lung from any crew member and give it to Neelix. Kes volunteers. Janeway lets these assholes go with a stern warning.

Yep, after stealing a person’s organ Captain Janeway just lets them go. Boy, that’s got to inspire buttloads of confidence for the rest of the crew and their safety aboard the Voyager.

How Close Was Chris:

Having never seen the episode, Chris is fairly accurate in his artistic representation of the episode. He went pretty literal with the beef jerky aliens. I guess they are more humanoid with strips of flesh grafted onto their faces, but I prefer the version Chris has here.

Least Annoying Characters:
Paris
Kim
The Doctor

Most Torturous Moment:
Janeway lets the assholes go with a warning!

Torture Score: 2 out of 5 Neelixes (Note: Score was lowered due to Neelix’s suffering.)

2 of 5 Neelix