Voyager Torture features a review of an episode of Star Trek Voyager by Vincent that he’s seen for the first time and Chris Piers creating a drawing based solely on the review, never having seen the show himself.
I recently started watching Star Trek: Voyager for the first time a couple of weeks ago. As much as I liked the Star Trek The Original Series and Next Generation, during the 90s when Voyager was first on, there was nothing about it that appealed to me. I hated the premise of Voyager (crew being stuck far from home), hated the Neelix character based on looks alone… and well the one episode I eventually saw was terrible.
I didn’t like the premise of DS9 either and the couple of DS9 episodes I saw were boring, but years later I finally gave it a chance and decided to watch the whole series. I loved it. Still, I avoided Voyager. I dreaded it. Everything I’ve ever seen or read about it seemed unappealing except for a big boobied girl in silver spandex and I don’t need to sit through an hour of television to see boobs. But like herpes Voyager kept popping up and reminding it existed, so I broke down and started watching.
I would take my frustrations with the series to Facebook where it was recommended that I take the short reviews to the blog and share them with the world. This first one is a bit longer than I like to do, but it sets up the series, so we’re stuck with it. The premise of these posts will be brevity and humor while I torture myself by watching Star Trek Voyager. Chris Piers will also be providing an illustration based on my description without ever having seen the episode. Hopefully you’ll dig it.
Star Trek: Voyager – The Caretaker Parts 1 and 2
Okay, so we are introduced to some Marquis (the Star Trek rebels) and the USS Voyager. The Voyager crew seems pretty cool, but you know who is going to die because half these people aren’t on the Netflix box art.
Both the Voyager and the Maquis get stuck so far out in space that it would take 70 years to get home, because someone thought that Lost in Space and Battlestar Galactica hadn’t exploited this premise enough. They’re brought through space by some super advanced space station.
Half the crew dies on each side, so the Marquis join up with the Voyager crew. At some point they’re all put to sleep and experimented on. When they wake up from their abduction they’re on the Voyager, but missing two people. In order to find them practically everyone beams aboard the super advanced space station where they find a 1920s-ish Ray Bradbury style ideal small town populated by a bunch of hillbillies. One of them is revealed to be an old man called the Caretaker who is actually a powerful alien being. He’s protecting some people inside a planet not far from the space station.
While on their way to that planet The Voyager crew finds some asshole alien named Neelix who looks like a half digested woodchuck wearing the worst fashions the 1990s could barf up. If the song Two Princes were a person, it would be Neelix.
So Neelix takes them to some dirt dwellers on the planet who look like watered down Klingons with a bad case of pubic hair head. These are the Kazon and they are the sorriest excuse for villains in sci-fi aside from the Psyclos in Battlefield Earth. These guys need water because they live in a desert. The Voyager crew gives them water. Neelix double crosses the Kazon and saves his girlfriend, Kes, (how is this possible this guy has a girlfriend?) from them and they beam away.
Frankly, I don’t remember much of what happens after this. It all became a big blur. Eventually the Caretaker dies while the Voyager is under attack at the space station by the Kazon. Yes, for some inexplicable reason the Kazon have comparable space flight and fighting technology to the Voyager, yet they decide to live on a desert planet with no water. What fucking idiots.
Captain Janeway makes the call to destroy the space station, their only way home, so that the pubic hair dumb asses don’t get their hands on the technology. Apparently Janeway never heard of a timed explosion. Or ordering someone to stay behind and blow it up after they left (perfect job for Neelix).
Oh well. Now we have a new Star Trek series. Voyager’s start is basically a one episode write off of a better series like The Next Generation, except in Voyager the captain makes the wrong call. Oh I get it, Voyager is the “What if?!” series of the Star Trek franchise.
Least Annoying Characters:
Kes (because I feel sorry for her)
Most Torturous Moment:
Janeway ordering the destruction of the space station.
Torture Score: 4 out of 5 Neelixes