And I’m back. This weekly column had to take some time off because my laptop’s optic drive just completely died with one of my Transformers: Victory DVDs still inside. I took my laptop completely apart and still couldn’t pull it out of the drive, so I have rented the DVD to finish off this disc. The things I do to keep this column going.
Anyway, we’re on episode 21. The last one was 19 but episode 20 is another clip show. The Decepticons and Autobots had been battling on Planet Micro but the Decepticons stole some energy and are now racing to Earth with the Autobots in hot pursuit. But don’t worry, Stakeout isn’t too uptight about the situation, wistfully reminiscing about how much he loves his home planet. There’s fights to come. Let’s get to them.
As Stakeout daydreams about his home, his teammates all make fun of him, saying that he just misses his girlfriend. Technically, the other three members of the Rescue Patrol all report to him. They clearly have no respect for their leader. It’s just a matter of time until they all die in battle due to their lack of disclipline.
Stakeout makes his head huge and screams at Jean, who was also tormenting him. This is the Transformers: Victory version of best friends. They’re terrible to one another. Just terrible.
Then all three Rescue Patrol members realize they don’t even have girlfriends and weep. These guys are pathetic. They never really fight, just transport humans away from danger. And they’re annoying. I hope Deathsaurus eats them.
Deathsaurus, meanwhile, is cruising across the galaxy in his spaceship with the Dinoforce. No idea what happened to the Breastforce. They just aren’t mentioned and don’t show up. I guess they’re taking naps in the back of the bus or something. Deathsaurus is going to check on his big space fortress that we’ve been told has been locked away in a Dark Nebula a long time ago by Autobot leader Star Saber. Basically, it’s like his Death Star is at the impound lot.
Deathsaurus reminisces, not unlike Stakeout, about how much he loves his old fortress in space. They fly into a completely black area and come upon the massive space station. And when the Dinoforce sees it? Well… their reaction is pretty weird. See for yourself.
That’s their jaws dropping. It’s disturbing.
Anyway, the Decepticons put their stolen energy into the fortress and it lights up. The Decepticons all get out and dance around like idiots.
Then the fortress’ lights flicker out. Dinoforce leader Goryu is terrified to tell Deathsaurus that they don’t have enough energy to release the fortress from… whatever keeps it in the Dark Nebula. The science is pretty loose here.
Fortunately for the Dinoforce, Deathsaurus isn’t mad. He didn’t expect to have enough energy yet to release it. He needed to make sure it still works. And now he knows it does. Then he has his very own flashback, something we don’t get a lot of on Transformers.
The fortress is massive. There’s basically an entire city on top of it. I don’t know what it DOES but it’s very big. Maybe it’s just been finished being built when we flash back to it because suddenly Star Saber comes flying in with a massive army of Autobots. Here’s how they do:
The Decepticons pretty much tear the Autobots to pieces. Not ALL of them, but a ton of them die. No time to think about it, though and don’t worry – it’s no one we know. Star Saber and Deathsaurus have a one on one but we eventually realize Star Saber was just acting as a diversion the whole time.
Star Saber had several Autobots put big something-or-others on the fortress. They suck its energy and pull it into the Dark Nebula. Then they all fly away. Star Saber wins (as usual).
For whatever reason, the Dinoforce is absolutely devastated to hear this story. They cry. Like robots do.
Then the Decepticons leave and immediately bump into the Autobots because space isn’t that big or anything. Star Saber fights the Thunder Arrow and tells the other Autobots to escape in Galaxy Shuttle. It’s a simple request so of course they fail to do it.
Deathsaurus is still pretty irked over the whole fortress thing so he flies out and… rides Star Saber. That’ll teach him!
Then they start fighting and Star Saber declares that it’s a cowardly move because it’s a surprise attack. First of all, you’re fighting a war, Star Saber. You’re telling me you’d never use a sneak attack? That’s just… dumb. Second, when you’re in the middle of outer space, it’s really, really, really hard to let someone sneak up on you. So… surprise attack? Shame on you.
Stakeout and Jean instantly ignore their leader’s orders and decide they should help him. But the Decepticons shoot up Galaxy Shuttle and he stops being able to fly away. Worst army ever.
The Decepticons bridge the two space shuttles with… a red tube of energy. That’s not how energy works? Don’t tell Transformers.
Deathsaurus is actually doing a pretty good job of kicking Star Saber’s ass. He pummels him and shoots him and even throws his tits at him. Well, he calls it a “brest attack” and his chest transforms into a lion and an eagle that bite Star Saber. But it is what it is.
And Deathsaurus isn’t fooling around. Take a look at that. He embeds his sword pretty deep into Star Saber’s ribs. Or whatever the robot equivalent of ribs is. Bleep blorps?
The Dinoforce race down their energy tunnel and their only opposition is the pitiful Rescue Patrol Micromasters (and Jean in some new orange spacesuit). Even though they’ve never been a threat to even one Decepticon, they’re able to keep the entire Dinoforce army at bay by throwing garbage at them. Where’d all that trash come from? Who knows? The Autobots are apparently filthy hoarders.
The Dinoforce rallies. No different tactic. Just run at them again.
This time the Autobots bonk the Dinoforce on their heads with the garbage. It’s unclear why the Decepticons don’t use their guns.
Finally, Red Hot transforms into a fire truck and blasts his hose at the bad guys, washing them through the tube all the way back to the Thunder Arrow. Finally, the Dinoforce decides to try a different plan. They send a bomb rocketing down the energy tube at the Autobots.
And Star Saber is also still getting beaten up. Deathsaurus transforms into his dragon mode but then pulls out a cannon. I don’t want to tell a Transformer how to do their job, but I suspect a robot can hold a cannon better than a dragon. Anyway, he shoots Star Saber and the Autobot leader is on death’s door. One more shot and he’s a goner.
The bomb is taking quite a while to cross the divide for some reason. Slow enough that Jean has time for an actual idea. He runs up and grabs ahold of the space shuttle controls which for some reason are human size even though only other Transformers use them normally.
Jean uses the shuttle’s arms to tie a piece of string around the energy tube which seals it off. The bomb hits the knot and hits reverse, since that’s how we all design our bombs.
The Dinoforce take some time to panic as though they live in a Three Stooges film, even though a few minutes ago this episode showed dead bodies from the constant Transformers war. Sometimes war is funny?
The Dinoforce jump back into the shuttle and slam the doors closed on Goryu and Kakuryu. The bomb flies inside. Is this the end of the Dinoforce?
Nope. It flies around and hits them but doesn’t explode. Turns out Kakuryu forgot to arm it. So I guess the Autobots weren’t actually ever in any real danger.
Deathsaurus is still pointing his gun at Star Saber’s face and gloating. I guess Star Saber is waiting for a new Autobot to come rescue him but it just does not happen. Deathsaurus gloats a bit more.
But then his gun doesn’t work and actually disappears. Sometimes on Transformers, they can just “summon” their weapons out of nowhere. In the first three American seasons, they didn’t do it that often, but they do it more and more in the three Japanese seasons. This episode explicitly states that Transformers use energy to summon their weapons. Unfortunately for Deathsaurus, he used too much energy reactivating the fortress. No more weapons for him!
Deathsaurus decides not to even try to finish off Star Saber with his bare hands. He just leaves and acts like he’s won. The Autobots all cheer like they’ve won the day but mostly they just got their asses kicked and then the Decepticons opted to leave them alone because there’s still several episodes to go this season. What a strange fight.