I just got back from seeing Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and I must share some thoughts. First of all, I just want it out there that I was actually afraid I was going to like it. You see, the geek community is hardcore into bashing this thing and I feel that if you like it you’ll feel the full force of nerd hatred against you. I still went in with a fairly open mind, hoping that Michael Bay and company would surprise me. They didn’t.
I will admit that the movie wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn’t like getting vomited in the face or childhoods being raped or anything of that stupid shit nerd bloggers and forum posters spout so easily. No, it was just a bad movie. The loose plot worked to keep the action moving and as far as action was concerned there was enough robot stuff to keep a child entertained, but if you’re looking for anything more than that you’ll be sorry. What really hurts Revenge of the Fallen is it’s constant reaching for the lowest form of laugh or thrill possible. I expected at any moment for there to be a wrestling match to break out just for the hell of it. Any kind of joke you can think of in order to get the cheap laughs of the dumbest people in the audience was there which included and was not limited to: vomiting, scenes of pot brownie hilarity, an old robot farting a parachute, male dogs humping each other, a robot humping a leg, and a pair of robot testicles. There’s even a little person thrown in just because we all know that midgets are fucking hilarious. Any time someone laughed at these kinds of jokes, I felt like I might have been watching the Ass movie from Idiocracy. And if you think people are exaggerating the racist twins, they aren’t. They’re minstrel caricatures of African Americans. They might as well looked like this:
And in fact it could be argued that they looked a little worse.
There were some good points in the film, I’ll admit. But it was so watered down with this hose of horrible “comedy” that it’s hard to sift down to anything good. They could have easily cut thirty minutes out of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen without losing anything of value. Even the action scenes became tiring when you couldn’t tell who the fuck the good or bad robots were, because they all look the same. Combine this with about fifty shots of characters running away in slow motion and the constant use of 360 pans around characters, it gets old very quickly.
If you’re on the fence about this, just rent in on DVD or Blu-Ray and keep your remote in your hand so you can liberally fast forward.
Finally, I’d just like to launch my biggest complaints about the film. Mildly spoilery:
1. Okay this film does a huge job of making President Obama look like an asshole. The dickhead government jerk who we are supposed to hate is following the orders of the President. At first we don’t know that it’s just some generic “President”, but a news report at one point states that it is indeed President Obama.
2. Even if the President didn’t trust the Autobots or whatever, just because they weren’t wanted in the U.S. doesn’t mean they’d have to fucking leave the planet. Dear Michael Bay: The U.S. does not control the whole Earth as you’d like us to believe. Do you know how many other countries would be glad to host the Autobots if we kicked them out of the country? Most of them with half a brain.
3. The film opens up with the U.S. military and the Autobots hunting down Decepticons and brutally killing them. Look, I’m no hippie, but it seems a little against the whole idea that the Autobots are the good guys when they’re traveling around committing robot genocide. You’d think that for all of Optimus Prime’s spouting about the rights of all sentient beings that he’d at least give the Decepticons a chance to reform or something. This would be like watching a movie where Batman breaks into houses to kill sleeping criminals.
4. Why does any mechanical object that comes into contact with the Allspark turn evil? Seriously, doesn’t that mean that the Allspark naturally creates evil life and therefore is in fact evil? And I still can’t get over the fact that one of those robots had a cock gun.