Transformers: Kiss Players Recap Part 1 of 3

What is Kiss Players? It’s a 2006 toyline. It’s a Japanese radio drama. It’s a story that fits between the movie and season 3. It’s very pervy. Essentially, it’s the story of how Transformers power up with kisses from young, young girls. It also involves Optimus Prime coming back to life and dying again.

Convoy (Optimus Prime) and Melissa

Optimus Prime’s weapon is a surfboard that turns into a sword

Read on to hear the story and see the toys and images from the manga.

Remember how in Transformers: The Movie, Rodimus Prime defeated Galvatron by throwing him through Unicron? Then, when season 3 started, Galvatron had crashed on the planet Chaar. Well, according to Kiss Players a lot of stuff happened between those scenes. Here’s how the story goes, as told in a series of radio plays and 3 manga.

Rodimus Prime throws Galvatron and the Decepticon leader actually gets thrown all the way to Earth, where he crashes on Tokyo with the force of a massive nuclear explosion. It kills Galvatron and utterly destroys the city. Not the most heroic start to the story for the Autobots, eh? Earth kinda hates the Transformers for this and they start up the Earth Defense Command (EDC) which popped up in a lot of season 3 episodes. The EDC is led by Commander Hitoshizuku Amao. What drives her to be the leader? Oh, her daugher was killed in that explosion.

Commander Amao.

Commander Amao.

The EDC sets up their new base of operations in the crater that used to be Tokyo and builds man-made Transformers that they call Autroopers. They don’t have intelligence or personality, they are just machines. The EDC was able to figure out how to make these by reverse engineering Galvatron’s corpse. The EDC also builds something called an “anti-electron” field which forces any remaining Transformers to leave Earth. How did Rodimus Prime take all of this? He felt guilty so he gave the Matrix of Leadership to Ultra Magnus and reverted to Hot Rod. Not such a bad punishment, really.

While Tokyo works on rebuilding, it turns out Galvatron’s impact was even bigger than destroying the city. Galvatron was apparently full of special Unicron-powered cells that spread over the planet from the impact. When the come in contact with animals or vehicles, they fuse together creating monstrous creatures known collectively as Legion. They look like Megatron with a penis for a tongue. Seriously. When the cells touch humans, they gain the ability to fuse with other things that have that magic Unicron dust in them. Well, they can’t just decide to fuse. They have to kiss the thing to fuse together. The EDC decides their Autroopers at the ideal use for this new “Parisitech” process and they also recruit chicks that they dub “Kiss Players” as combat squads to fight the Legion.

Legion has a dick for a mouth

Legion has a dick for a mouth

Atari Hitotonari is one such lady. Her parents were killed in a Legion attack and she finds herself chased by a Legion one day. She’s rescued by EDC operative Shaoshao Li. However, there’s a time limit to how long they can fuse and Shaoshao hits the limit before she can defeat the Legion monster. She gets ejected in a big pile of… some sort of fluid, we’ll say. Atari kisses Shaoshao’s Autroper, Ne-04, and is able to fuse and defeat the Legion creature. Hitoshizuku drafts Atari into the EDC, seeing her potential.

Atari and Autrooper

Atari and Autrooper

What kind of potential? Well, I guess mostly that she can do the fusing thing. Because she gets carsick which is less than ideal, and does not get along with fellow EDC agent Ringo Chikuma, who is basically a bully. She does make friends with Kayu Michikusa.

KP Autrooper

In an early adventure, Atari accidentally swallows a Legion. In order to defeat it, she kisses her Autrooper which allows it to shrink (yeah, sometimes different stuff happens from kisses) and she swallows the Autrooper so that he can kill the Legion in her stomach. In her biggest adventure, she gets possessed by Starscream’s ghost! Starscream forces her to seek out Doctor Arkeville and he creates a new body for Starscream to possess. But then the EDC’s Autroopers blow it up right away. Thanks for visiting Starscream.

Atari/Starscream

Atari/Starscream

There is also an anti-EDC commando force that is established, who rally around the legacy of Optimus Prime. One of the prominent members is Marissa Faireborn, who was a recurring character in season 3. In Kiss Players, it’s explicitly stated that she is the daughter of Dashiell Faireborn, Flint from GI Joe. Her mother was a childhood friend of Shaoshao. Marissa was rescued by Optimus Prime as a kid and… used to play with him. Anyway, the EDC has Prime’s body moved from America to their base in Tokyo. Marissa and a squad ambushes the transport in an attempt to steal back the body.

Ringo

Ringo

However, it turns out the transport was all a trap organized by Ringo, who in her Autrooper guns down the entire unit except for Marissa. While her team is massacred, Marissa notices a familiar trailer in the transport convoy and it’s holding the real Optimus Prime body. Marissa gives Prime a farewell kiss only to realize she is a Kiss Player.

Marissa meets Optimus' corpse

Marissa meets Optimus’ corpse

Marissa’s kiss brings Optimus F’n Prime back to life! They merge along with a nearby Autrooper, giving him a new body and look. Prime and Marissa go on the run from the EDC. Prime doesn’t want Marissa placed in danger so he tries to placate her by taking her surfing. One time when she’s surfing they are attacked by an octopus Legion but they beat it. They end up crossing paths with Atari a few times, saving her life each time.

Optimus

Optimus

While Marissa and Atari have these adventures, Shaoshao vanished from the EDC since she failed to save Atari. She wakes up in a tube in a hidden facility underneath the EDC headquarters, surrounded by Legion corpses collected each time they were defeated by Prime or Atari. The Legion corpses awake at a certain point and attack, but Shaoshao is saved when Hot Rod crashes in, determined to get redemption for what he’s caused.

Shaoshao wakes up

Shaoshao wakes up

Hot Rod began to get overwhelmed by the Legion, who tried to fuse with him. But before they could completely overwhelm him, Shaoshao plants a smackeroo on Hot Rod, fusing together and defeating the Legion in a new, upgraded body.

The least pervy pic I could find

The least pervy pic I could find

The two go on the run from the EDC but unlike Marissa and Prime’s friendly relationship, Shaoshao holds Hot Rod in low esteem. She continues to dislike Transformers because she believes that Optimus Prime took Marissa, her friend, away from her. She vows to defeat Optimus Prime and get her buddy back and teaches Hot Rod some martial arts.

Fighting dress

Fighting dress

Shortly after this, Optimus Prime begins to become influenced by the evil Galvatron cells in his new body. He takes control of a Legion squad and attacks EDC headquarters. Marissa and Prime blast through Autroopers but are eventually confronted by Hot Rod and Shaoshao. Hot Rod believes Optimus Prime is some sort of Decepticon imposter. However, Atari merges with her Autrooper and is able to turn back the Legion force, allowing Hot Rod and Prime to reconcile.

Hot Rod

Hot Rod

Optimus/Marissa and Hot Rod/Shaoshao take a break from everything and go fishing. This is an especially pointless part of the story where Marissa loses her underwear but Shaoshao finds it. Then the girls reflect on their memories with their Transformer pals. While all this is going on, Hot Rod and Optimus Prime begin having nightmares. They each are plagued with visions of Megatron, due to their bodies being infused with Galvatron’s cells. At one point, Shaoshao thinks she sees a girl riding on the shoulder of a Legion in the distance.

Pervy toys for pervy boys

Pervy toys for pervy boys

Back at the EDC, Atari continues to be tormented by Ringo. She gets angry that her friend Kayu isn’t helping her and out of spite, breaks a promise to her. She later goes to apologize and learns that Kayu was suffering the same cruel treatment from Ringo. Unable to find Kayu, Atari is led to believe she’s been transferred to another EDC squad. Later, Kayu’s Autrooper goes wild, attacking from within the EDC. Ringo guns it down despite Atari begging her not to. When that happens, Atari’s mind goes blank and her Autrooper similaraly rampages, killing Ringo.

The Autrorooper toy comes with an Atari with vomit bag. And a kremzeek from a season 2 episode.

The Autrorooper toy comes with an Atari with vomit bag. And a kremzeek from a season 2 episode.

Finally, Marissa and Prime go to attack the EDC again but butt heads with Hot Rod and Shaoshao. The four resolve their differences and team up with Atari to investigate what’s going on beneath the EDC headquarters. They have to go through a “spiral vagina” into the “genital system” facility. There, they destroy the anti-electron field around Earth and learn that all of their adventures were being influenced and orchestrated by Commander Amao. She had been experimenting with Galvatron’s corpse, Legion soldiers and Kiss Players in an attempt to ressurect her daughter.

Optimus always kicks ass.

Optimus always kicks ass.

Amao’s daughter’s soul was infused with Galvatron’s cells and Amao planned to bring her back to life in the body of another Kiss Player, specifically Atari. Her plan backfired when the Autroopers and Legion fused with Galvatron, bringing him back to life and sucking his cells back from everywhere, including the Kiss Players. Hot Rod and Optimus Prime reverted to their old forms and Optimus died. Again. Galvatron was blased into space by the event, eventually crashing on planet Chaar.

Come back next time for a smaller story of what happened next, where the Kiss Players start a rock band with Autobot cassette tapes.