I hate telling you the title of this episode. It completely gives away what’s going to happen. You see, this show shows a title card at the top of every episode. In that episode where Galvatron returned? It didn’t say that he returned but it did show him. So that was lame. But this one? Well, they titled it so I’ll just let you know. It’s called “Ultra Magnus Dies!!” Guess what happens?
The episode begins with the Decepticon Headmasters sneaking into an Autobot base and laying waste to it, killing off a ton of random apparently-Autobot soldiers. They’re working for Scorponok. The episode has tossed us into the deep end. Read on to play catch-up.
Scorponok orders his men not to blow it by alerting the Autobot Headquarters to their presence. So I guess they’re just not supposed to physically call the Autobots? Because there’s no one left to tattle on them. Weirdwolf asks Scorponok to hurry because he’s running low on power. Apparently he forgot that he’s just conquered an Autobot base which would presumably need energy to run.
Meanwhile, Cerebros and the Headmasters have gone back to Athenia to figure out what the Decepticons are up to. Cerebros has no idea, and as usual, he just sort of pontificates on what might happen. A man of action he is not.
Chromedome speculates the Decepticons may be planning to destroy them once and for all, but Cerebros thinks it’s something bigger. Brainstorm points out that the Decepticons are travelling home from their energy raids slower than before, which the Autobots surmise that it means they’re loaded up with energy. Of course, energy weighs nothing, so it might make more sense that they picked up a weapon or an ally or are taking the scenic route, but the Autobots rarely guess wrong.
Highbrow suddenly interrupts and says he has to crack that code that will tell them Scorponok’s weakness. It’s an awkward end to their strategy meeting and the Autobots wouldn’t have it any other way.
Chromedome and Hardhead immediately talk shit about their friend behind his back, saying he’ll be staring at a computer screen for days. They either have no faith that Scorponok has a secret weakness or they remember that they already sort of know that his weakness is shooting his Decepticon symbol on his chest.
Meanwhile, back on planet Chaar, Galvatron reveals his secret agenda to Sixshot, sort of. He doesn’t go into detail but says he wants to incorporate Earth. I doubt he has a new business venture since he’s very comfortable with stealing, but you never know. Maybe he wants to be a banker and legally steal from people. Galvatron comes with all the toxic assets you see here!
Sixshot cautions Galvatron that Zarak/Scorponok is up to no good, but Galvatron does not give a shit what his smartest lieutenant tells him.
And in case there was any doubt, Zarak is seen telling his Headmasters that he does have a plan to take leadership back. Maybe he should just hold a vote.
Weirdwolf is an idiot and says he didn’t realize Zarak had a secret plan. This is all just time killer.
Sixshot offers to head to Earth and finish off Ultra Magnus, the Earth commander. The strange part is he says he doesn’t care if it ruins his “ninja honor.” I always thought ninjas were assassins and the only martial arts warriors with any honor were samurai. And he’s tried to kill lots of Autobots before. Maybe he has something really, really gross planned for Ultra Magnus. It wouldn’t surprise me anymore.
Sixshot’s plan involves him, Trypticon, the Horrorcons, the Terrorcons, and the Combaticons all attacking the Autobot energy facility in Miami. Yup, Miami. But it sure doesn’t look like any Miami I’ve ever seen. It’s the usual vague Pacific Northwest backdrop the cartoon usually uses. The first Autobot to defend the base is the Monsterbot Doublecross. This is the moment of intentional comedy for the episode as the two heads just can’t agree on a plan of attack against the two Horrorcons. Get it? They’re stupid. I miss Grimlock. He may have talked dumb, but he kicked ass.
The Horrorcons just sort of beat up Doublecross and I don’t mind one bit. He calls them monsters, forgetting that he’s a Monsterbot. He may as well insult them by calling them Transformers.
Ultra Magnus, the Earth commander of Autobot forces opts to send the Trainbots and Technobots to fight back. And then his eyes turn red for no reason at all. It’s time for Mission: Miami!
Meanwhile, on planet Athenia, guess who is STILL trying to break the code to figure out Scorponok’s weak spot? If you guessed Highbrow, then you forgot his two helpers. He’s enlisted Daniel and Wheelie to help and decides that since they haven’t figured anything out yet, they’ll start over from scratch. Guess this subplot is gonna drag on for quite a while. On the plus side, he’s trying to crack the code with reams and reams of paper. So that’s pretty awesome. He’s using his computer as a desk.
Fortress orders their spy to keep them updated on Galvatron’s movements. Chromedome wants to fight but they all decide to take their usual wait-and-see approach for now.
On Earth, a spinning top goes through the desert and Ultra Magnus karate chops it in half because of course he does.
Inside the top? Sixshot. This is how he travels this week. To be fair, it’s a pretty good entrance when Sixshot casually remarks that he’s going to escort Ultra Magnus to HELL.
Ultra Magnus tries to smack talk back and is about as effective as Urkel.
Sixshot decides not to use any of his amazing six forms and instead tosses tiny little shuriken at Ultra Magnus. It’s completely ineffective and makes him look not nearly as cool.
Then he turns into a jet and Ultra Magnus just kinda catches him and acts like he’s about to spank the jet. Metroplex offers to help, but Trypticon jumps in his way and acts like that isn’t a matchup we’ve seen a dozen times or more. The Trainbots suggest maybe they should ask for help and Magnus grudgingly agrees so word is sent to planet Athenia.
The scene on Athenia is very quick and reminds me of the awkward dialog from the movie The Room, especially the flower store scene. The Autobots all hop on Fortress and head for Earth.
Soundblaster reports this to Galvatron who doesn’t want to ask for Scorponok’s help but is convinced to do so by Soundblaster.
On Earth, Metroplex and Trypticon are engaged in sleeper holds while Sixshot turns into six forms and runs rings around Ultra Magnus. To be fair, he also turns into his six forms and occassionally shoots Ultra Magnus. But mostly I remember the running in rings part.
At one point, Sixshot turns into his tank form and Ultra Magnus just shouts out that he’ll die for Earth. I’m sure he means he’s willing to give his life for Earth but it sounds like he’s just ready to give up. He ain’t getting much offense in.
Scorponok shows up but just holds off the just-arrived Fortress. He uses a never-before-seen ability to telepathically talk to his Headmasters, telling them to stick to their secret plan.
At this point, Sixshot transforms into a seventh form. Yup. Sixshot is actually a sevenshot. His new form is a wolf but with WINGS! Wanna guess the name he has for this form?
And then he blasts Ultra Magnus with a bazillion laser blasts. The scene ends with Magnus knocked off his feet and drilling his head into the mountainside.
The Headmasters decide to do their special move. The one where they join hands and spin in the air.
This time, instead of giving them a power boost, they just turn into a spinning rainbow. It bonks Sixshot out of the sky and the Decepticons retreat.
Ultra Magnus dies. Yeah. Just like the title promised. His final words are to ask Cerebros to protect the Earth. What a waste! Of course they’ll protect the Earth. He should’ve gone out with some wise advice or at least a joke. But that just ain’t the Ultra Magnus way.
The Autobots put Ultra Magnus’ corpse in a box full of spiders or tacks or something.
Metroplex speaks up, which I just realized is very rare. He has no real personality, come to think of it. But he requests that instead of a traditional space burial, they bury Ultra Magnus on Earth, which he loved. That’s nice.
Cerebros agrees that this is a fine idea. And they talk about it a bit. It’d be fine to end the episode here but there’s another minute or so at least. I am getting nervous.
Daniel cries a bunch and everyone looks sad. Fortress flies over the ocean and Cerebros immediately decides it looks like as good a place as any. I’m worried that they aren’t planning on having a respectful wake where someone says something really nice about Ultra Magnus.
And what do you know? I’m right. They fucking dump his corpse out of the ship like a turd to be flushed away.
The Autobots have a really messed up way of honoring their dead. When their planet blew up, they threw a party. When Ultra Magnus died, they dumped him like waste. These guys, I tell ya…