I know you are dying to hear what the official Robot’s Pajamas response is to Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Instead of doing a review, I’ve unleashed some thought bombs, bullet point style.
Warning! Super spoilerific! Only read if you don’t care to have anything ruined or if you’ve already seen Dark of the Moon. In case you really need a non-spoiler thought, I will say that overall the film wasn’t as bad as Transformers 2, but it’s pretty bad.
- Why is Optimus Prime Kill Crazy? One thing that has bothered me in these Transformers films is the willingness of the good guys to completely murder the bad guys. I guess because they’re robots it’s easier for a good guy to slice off the head of his enemies without any morality being questioned, but there’s something disconcerting about Optimus yelling how he’s going to kill a guy and ripping out the spine of his enemies. He’s not supposed to be Wolverine.
- They Could Have Easily Cut an Hour of Film: Holy balls, the first hour of the film is god damned annoying. There’s so much set up, it’s ridiculous. It’s especially ridiculous considering that much of it’s standard predictable bull shit. I’d really like to see a fan edit of this film where they cut out a lot of the goofy garbage out. Odds are it would be at least 95% more tolerable and less likely to cause suicide.
- A lot of Decepticons Die: I suppose that most robots can come back if they really wanted to use them, but almost all the main Decepticons are dead by the end of the film. Crazy! Hopefully this paves the way for Galvatron and Sharkicons. Oh and maybe those floating head guys, I always liked them.
- Sam’s Motivations are Really Hard to Believe: He’s living in DC in one of the biggest apartments ever. He got a medal for saving the world twice. His college was paid for by the government. He also has a super hot girlfriend. But why be happy!? He just wants to matter again and is struggling with his life. I can’t sympathize with this dick. Fuck you, Sam. I’d give my left nut to have your problems.
- Sam’s Parents Don’t Make Any Sense: Thank goodness the parents play a lesser role, but they’re still there. I don’t get why they keep riding Sam to get a job. Dude has only been out of college for three months and he’s actively seeking jobs. He’s got a sweet girlfriend and a great apartment, why the fuck do they care so much about him being unemployed? Their motivations would make a lot more sense if the he was just smoking up all day and playing video games, but they meet him as he’s leaving for an interview.
- A Lot of Shit Makes No Sense, Including the Main Plot: There’s a giant robot ship on the moon, but somehow an accountant makes it too EXPENSIVE TO GO TO THE MOON, SO WE STOP. So we don’t put robots on the moon? Like we do with Mars?
- Why Did the World Kick the Autobots Off Earth? The same U.S. military that sent troops into Afghanastan after 9-11 (and Iraq, which had nothing to do with 9-11), is willing to kick out the ONLY hopes of saving the world.
- How was the Space Bridge Supposed Bring Victory to the Autobots? Seriously, I didn’t understand how that was supposed to happen.
- Yet Another Annoying Government Agent: The less I think about this the better. The “I’m going to be a bitch for no reason” government agent made me cock punching mad.
- Sentinel Prime and the Matrix of Leadership: Why didn’t Sentinel Prime take it? If he was a bad guy and that thing was super powerful, why didn’t he take it to use it? Bad writing? Yes.
- The Ex-Military Team: So Sam gets together a group of bad ass mothas to go in and rescue his girlfriend, but as soon as they see how fucked up Chicago is, they don’t want to go in. What? What kind of pussy ex-military team did they scrounge up?
- Goofy Ass Transformer Designs: Yep, the Transformers still look like mostly indescribable piles of pieces, but in this film we’re treated to a balding Transformer. Yes, he’s clearly balding with longish hair around his horseshoe balding pattern.
- Bumblebee’s Ring: At the end Bumblebee drops of bunch of gears for use as a ring. Doesn’t he need those to live?
It wasn’t all bad or utterly confusing! I compiled some more thoughts on what I actually liked.
- Leonard Nimoy: When he said the, “good of the many” line, I laughed, but I also loved it.
- Ken Jeong
- The Last Half of the Movie (in 3D): The last half of the movie was a ridiculous mess of explosions and totally unbelievable shit. Still, I found myself enjoying the majority of it. I liked it in the sense that I like fireworks. It was pretty nifty in 3D what with all the explosions and such. I also think I’d watch the movie again, but I’d need to have a fast forward button ready.
- I Could See the Robot Combat: I can’t believe it took three movies before they figured out that super blurry and shaky footage of robots up close does not make for a good action movie.
So my overall score of Transformers: Dark of the Moon? I’d say, see it if you really need too, like you really enjoyed the first two films for whatever reason. For everyone else, I’d give it a rent it recommendation.