Transformers 3: Insert More than Meets The Eye Joke Here

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I know you are dying to hear what the official Robot’s Pajamas response is to Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Instead of doing a review, I’ve unleashed some thought bombs, bullet point style.

Warning! Super spoilerific! Only read if you don’t care to have anything ruined or if you’ve already seen Dark of the Moon. In case you really need a non-spoiler thought, I will say that overall the film wasn’t as bad as Transformers 2, but it’s pretty bad.

  • Why is Optimus Prime Kill Crazy? One thing that has bothered me in these Transformers films is the willingness of the good guys to completely murder the bad guys. I guess because they’re robots it’s easier for a good guy to slice off the head of his enemies without any morality being questioned, but there’s something disconcerting about Optimus yelling how he’s going to kill a guy and ripping out the spine of his enemies. He’s not supposed to be Wolverine.
  • They Could Have Easily Cut an Hour of Film:  Holy balls, the first hour of the film is god damned annoying. There’s so much set up, it’s ridiculous. It’s especially ridiculous considering that much of it’s standard predictable bull shit. I’d really like to see a fan edit of this film where they cut out a lot of the goofy garbage out. Odds are it would be at least 95% more tolerable and less likely to cause suicide.
  • A lot of Decepticons Die: I suppose that most robots can come back if they really wanted to use them, but almost all the main Decepticons are dead by the end of the film. Crazy! Hopefully this paves the way for Galvatron and Sharkicons. Oh and maybe those floating head guys, I always liked them.
  • Sam’s Motivations are Really Hard to Believe: He’s living in DC in one of the biggest apartments ever. He got a medal for saving the world twice. His college was paid for by the government. He also has a super hot girlfriend. But why be happy!? He just wants to matter again and is struggling with his life. I can’t sympathize with this dick. Fuck you, Sam. I’d give my left nut to have your problems.
  • Sam’s Parents Don’t Make Any Sense: Thank goodness the parents play a lesser role, but they’re still there. I don’t get why they keep riding Sam to get a job. Dude has only been out of college for three months and he’s actively seeking jobs. He’s got a sweet girlfriend and a great apartment, why the fuck do they care so much about him being unemployed? Their motivations would make a lot more sense if the he was just smoking up all day and playing video games, but they meet him as he’s leaving for an interview.
  • A Lot of Shit Makes No Sense, Including the Main Plot: There’s a giant robot ship on the moon, but somehow an accountant makes it too EXPENSIVE TO GO TO THE MOON, SO WE STOP. So we don’t put robots on the moon? Like we do with Mars?
  • Why Did the World Kick the Autobots Off Earth? The same U.S. military that sent troops into Afghanastan after 9-11 (and Iraq, which had nothing to do with 9-11), is willing to kick out the ONLY hopes of saving the world.
  • How was the Space Bridge Supposed Bring Victory to the Autobots? Seriously, I didn’t understand how that was supposed to happen.
  • Yet Another Annoying Government Agent: The less I think about this the better. The “I’m going to be a bitch for no reason” government agent made me cock punching mad.
  • Sentinel Prime and the Matrix of Leadership: Why didn’t Sentinel Prime take it? If he was a bad guy and that thing was super powerful, why didn’t he take it to use it? Bad writing? Yes.
  • The Ex-Military Team: So Sam gets together a group of bad ass mothas to go in and rescue his girlfriend, but as soon as they see how fucked up Chicago is, they don’t want to go in. What? What kind of pussy ex-military team did they scrounge up?
  • Goofy Ass Transformer Designs: Yep, the Transformers still look like mostly indescribable piles of pieces,  but in this film we’re treated to a balding Transformer. Yes, he’s clearly balding with longish hair around his horseshoe balding pattern.
  • Bumblebee’s Ring: At the end Bumblebee drops of bunch of gears for use as a ring. Doesn’t he need those to live?

It wasn’t all bad or utterly confusing! I compiled some more thoughts on what I actually liked.

  • Leonard Nimoy: When he said the, “good of the many” line, I laughed, but I also loved it.
  • Ken Jeong
  • The Last Half of the Movie (in 3D): The last half of the movie was a ridiculous mess of explosions and totally unbelievable shit. Still, I found myself enjoying the majority of it. I liked it in the sense that I like fireworks. It was pretty nifty in 3D what with all the explosions and such. I also think I’d watch the movie again, but I’d need to have a fast forward button ready.
  • I Could See the Robot Combat: I can’t believe it took three movies before they figured out that super blurry and shaky footage of robots up close does not make for a good action movie.

So my overall score of Transformers: Dark of the Moon? I’d say, see it if you really need too, like you really enjoyed the first two films for whatever reason. For everyone else, I’d give it a rent it recommendation.

  • http://lifeinaustin.blogspot.com xadrian

    I have to stop giving Michael Bay money. I honestly gave him three chances and they got worse every time. Next one I wait till it comes out on TNT, I don’t care. Not going to see it.

  • http://ifyoucant.wordpress.com Randi

    My husband is a HUGE Transformers fan (me a bit lesser so but I still enjoy the old cartoon series) and has been disgusted over the whole thing. Michael Bay needs to STEP AWAY FROM THE TRANSFORMERS – and directing in entirety, actually.

  • Mecha-Shiva

    I liked the movie,still too many goofy stuff,it’s a worthy sequel and wish Revenge of the Fallen was never made,a real 3rd movie would rock since they just got the robot CG just right without looking like a mess.

  • http://www.digitalmonkeybox.com Shawn

    I didn’t see it in 3D, just regular D, but that was good enough. I agree with most of you points here, but there were some other things that bothered me, too.
    -All the Autobots, but especially Optimus, were kill crazy mad in this movie.
    -They could easily cut an hour from the movie and still have it make just as much sense.
    -What are all these fluids coming from the Transformers?
    -Laserbek can talk? And transform into copiers and TVs? Weird and stupid.
    -Soundwave is a Mercedes? What the hell?!
    -Why does Megatron have little tiny robots crawling on him? Where did they come from? And Megatron has an assistant named Igor? Seriously?
    -I think the Space Bridge would bring victory because they would be able to instantly transport troops to key areas. Maybe.
    -It really didn’t make sense that Sentinel did not take the Matrix when he turned out to be evil anyways.
    -Holy shit-balls, Sentinel killed Iron Hide? That surprised the hell outta me. Also, Iron Hide is dead?! This is like the original Transformers animated movie nightmare brought back to life.
    -If all those Decepticons were on the Moon the whole time, why not just come down during the first movie? They obviously had a functional spaceship up there.
    -The “good of the many” line was pretty awesome.
    -Goofy Transformers: Mullet guy, the beer belly Scotsman, and the old inventor Q. All silly, but I did like that the Wreckers were British (or Scottish) and not redneck. Also, Q really annoyed me.
    -Too many Decepticons were being killed by humans.
    -I did like the Decepticon SUV that looked like a Predator. That guy was cool.
    -In the movie they called Mirage (the red Ferrari) Dino for some reason.
    -They never called Wheeljack by his name. Poor Wheeljack.
    -Did they just destroy Cybertron? So much for the Autobots ever being able to go home.
    -At least the movie was better than Revenge of the Fallen.

  • http://www.therobotspajamas.com Vincent

    @Shawn, yeah, that’s something I wondered, if Cybertron was destroyed. You’d think they’d have addressed that at the end there.

  • http://www.rkoarmy.com prfkttear

    I enjoyed Dark Side of the Moon. It was a hell of a lot better than Fallen was. I’m just going to pretend that movie didn’t happen. There is a lot of stuff that makes my head hurt when I think about it, so I don’t and I can just go back to enjoying it.

    I actually liked how they ripped off the cartoon with the Space Bridge / bringing Cybertron to Earth idea. From what I understand Cybertron was destroyed in the process because they deactivated the spacebridge, so it essentially imploded.

  • http://www.televisionzombies.com Chris

    This was better than the 2nd movie but that was one of the worst movies of all time. This was entertaining at times but still had really big plot holes and just general stupid stuff in it.

    How about that awesome scene where Optimus Prime gets himself tangled up in some cables for TWENTY MINUTES. And why did Sam have to keep swinging around on Starscream so long? Stuff just went on way too long in general.

    Ken Jeong was a highlight. The audience really laughed hard at him in my theater. I did, too.

    I could list stupid stuff but it would just waste everyone’s time.

  • http://www.therobotspajamas.com Vincent

    Chris list stupid stuff! We can bring it up on the podcast!

  • http://www.televisionzombies.com Chris

    Everything I would list was already listed here: http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/06/topless_robots_transformers_3_faq.php