Well, here it is. The trailer for the third Star Trek (rebooted) movie. Vincent and Chris analyze it, screencapping the trailer to guess at what the plot could be or which characters are in it. Let’s see what Obi-Wan Kenobi and Admiral Adama are up to in Star Trek Beyond. And if you want more Star Trek from Chris and Vincent, be sure to look at our Star Trek Problems and Voyager Torture articles!
Scotty pops his head around the corner in the very first shot and says:”Is that music?”
Chris: The trailer kicks off with the Beastie Boys’ song “Sabotage.” It works well for the following trailer in the sense that it’s high-energy and VERY action-packed. More so than I’d have ever guessed. But it’s also kind of weird to use the same Beastie Boys song from the first movie. Like, is it really already time for callbacks?
Vincent: As soon as I heard it, I knew we were in for a blast of seat of your pants, popcorn chugging excitement. Just what I expect from Star Trek. If using contemporary music in a super obvious way worked for Guardians of the Galaxy, it has to work for Star Trek, right?!
Kirk replies: “It’s a good choice.”
Vincent: Good choice for a balls to the wall action movie. Did Kirk like Beastie Boys in the original non tampered universe? Mostly when we got around to his private life in the original Trek movies he was into antiquated paper books and horse riding. I can’t imagine this version of Kirk ever picking up a book.
Chris: I notice a few things here: a) Star Trek people still love pointed sideburns, b) Scotty in the background in a jacket, c) that’s definitely not the Enterprise.
Chris: Scotty replies to Kirk: “Aye. Well played.” Then Sulu looks at him like he’s nuts. Where do you think they are, Vincent? What kind of ship are they on?
Vincent: They’re on the Super Attack Shuttle Delta V, available in toy stores SOON!
Vincent: Seems like there’s some references to the original Trek movie era with that technology in the background.
Chris: Even on a different (and apparently kind of old) ship, looks like Uhura has to do communications stuff. Well that’s her job when she’s not boning the totally emotionless Vulcan Spock, who has tons of emotions in these movies.
Chris: Oh, Chekov is in this one. He only appears in this shot, though. What’s up with their jackets? Is it for a formal meeting or is it survival gear or what?
Vincent: The Jackets feel a bit “Enterprisey” to me.
Vincent: I was worried that the Enterprise would be blown up in the last film, because the Enterprise has to blow up every few movies. Looks like we (the viewers) get to hit the jackpot again with the Enterprise blowing up!
Chris: This is the only shot of the Enterprise not being blown up. The fact that I can’t see many stars in the background may indicate that it’s near a bright planet instead of in deep space.
Vincent: Is that science talk? Get out of that ivory tower you Commie Pinko!
A voiceover by Captain Kirk begins: “We got… no ship…”
Vincent: It’s *have*, Kirk.
Chris: I can’t tell whether the swarm attacking the ship is other small ships, or drones, or maybe even bugs of some sort.
Vincent: It’s Parmount’s disregard for the franchise.
Chris: Oh, that guy got an explosion right in the face. Shields definitely didn’t hold. And you can see the tip of the thing coming through.
Vincent: Back in my day it was good enough that a crewman died from some sparks shooting out of a console. Now days kids aren’t satisfied until a crewman is engulfed in a fireball.
Chris: The Enterprise seems to get decimated instantly. Like, it has NO chance against this threat. They’re in over their head right off the bat.
Vincent: Isn’t it amazing how they managed to constantly face super powerful beings and the ship only started getting destroyed when they had a movie budget?
Chris: This is a shot from Captain Kirk’s POV as he ejects in an escape pod. So much for the Enterprise.
Vincent: Who has more crew die under his watch? Original Kirk or Nu Kirk? I bet the new version.
Kirk’s voiceover continues: “No crew…How we gonna get out of this one?”
Vincent: With explosions and lasers, certainly not thinking!
Chris: Just before this shot of Kirk getting out of his pod, there’s an overhead shot of a pod opening. It’s at a slightly different angle but similar environment. I think the guy in the first shot is a pink-headed Starfleet crewmember.
Chris: And I can’t be sure but it seems like that same alien crewmember and Kirk scrambling up a hill. But it’s a totally different environment. New planet? A crashed part of the ship?
Vincent: Maybe they take a break from the action to flashback to action that happened earlier, so they can have constant action.
We hear Spock in voice-over answering Kirk: “We will find hope…”
Vincent: Maybe McCoy cured Spock of death a moment before this.
Chris: Dr. McCoy finally appears. Looks like Spock has a pretty serious injury to his torso. And there appear to be lots of crashed ships wherever they are. Maybe the Enterprise explored somewhere where every visitor gets shot down?
Vincent: Very likely. They could be in the Space Bermuda triangle.
Chris: Scotty wakes up in his pod. He’s got some sort of ring on his finger. I think it’s a Starfleet ring. I’d think that’d be dangerous for astronauts and engineers to wear. In the last movie I think Khan gave a guy an explodey ring.
Vincent: It’s a wedding ring. He’s gay married to that little alien guy.
Spock’s voice-over continues: “…in the impossible.”
Chris: Speaking of impossible, it would’ve been impossible for James Doohan’s Scotty to hold onto the edge of a cliff. Guess when Simon Pegg gets to write the movie, Scotty grows muscles.
Vincent: He’s like Popeye, but with Scotch.
Chris: Now we are back to McCoy and Spock who get surrounded by some small red hovering ships. McCoy deadpans: “Well, at least I won’t die alone.”
Vincent: Man, those ships don’t look like anything in original Trek. Yeah, I know it’s new Trek and a different timeline, but I still think it’s funny how absolutely everything changed just because some crazy Romulan time traveled and blew some shit up. And before you say, “Well they’re alien…” everything kind of had a uniform look.
Chris: The McCoy/Spock rivalry was always one of my favorite dynamics in original Star Trek, especially when they’d each argue their side to Kirk. I hope there’s more of those guys together in this movie.
Vincent: This always happens. Sam completes his mission and he has to leap into the next body.
Chris: McCoy gets the best line in the trailer as he growls: “Well that’s just typical!” For my money, Karl Urban does the best job of representing one of the original cast in a similar way to the original version, in this case DeForest Kelley’s McCoy.
Vincent: McCoy is the one bright spot in these films. Urban really nails it. I wish these movies were 99% McCoy.
Chris: So Kirk gets to ride some motocross in this one, as I’m sure we’ll be doing on alien planets in no time at all. Note the goggles, they’ll appear later.
Vincent: Now, did he bring along a dirt bike? Or is this an alien dirt bike? Why does it look so much like a modern dirt bike? How does he know how to ride a dirt bike? All of these answers can be found in my upcoming prequel novel.
Chris: Girls with battle staffs are the new thing in sci-fi. Or maybe that’s just something J.J. Abrams likes since he gets to make both Star Trek AND Star Wars now.
Vincent: She’s riding the fine line between hot and too alien to be hot. Notice those dudes, look how much more alien they look than her. If she was that amount of alien, it would be far too much. She’s still bangable for Kirk, and more importantly, the audience.
Chris: At least this new alien is distinctive enough that I can always spot her. She doesn’t appear to be a new version of an alien race we’ve met before. I can’t even tell what actress is playing her.
Vincent: I bet her bad assery is featured in a couple of scenes and then she becomes just another cog in Kirk’s heroic exploits. Or she dies. Or both.
Chris: Cut to a shot of Scotty on that ship we saw at the beginning of the trailer. He says: “Let’s hope this doesn’t get messy.”
Vincent: Then he poops his pants.
Chris: I guess this is Kirk and that pink alien at the burning planet? Love seeing stuntmen tossed in the air. I can’t recall Shatner’s Kirk ever flying through the air like that.
Vincent: He was too fat to do that by the time they had a budget for it.
Chris: Now we hear a voice over from an alien. I’m 95% sure it’s Idris Elba’s voice, so I guess his secret role is evil alien. He says: “This is where it begins, Captain.” The people running appear to be Starfleet because I see some miniskirts and the common colors they use. But is it in San Francisco? The deep background has some massive structures I don’t recognize but then again, a lot of the city was busted up in the last movie.
Vincent: It’s that planet from Guardians of the Galaxy.
Chris: First time we’re seeing this location. Looks like a mining quarry but who can say for sure. All I know is there are some aliens jumping around and punching one another.
Vincent: That’s pretty much nailed these movies. Characters jumping around and punching each other.
Chris: Kirk has his phaser and his serious face and nicely combed hair.
Vincent: If Chris Pine was serious about his role of Kirk, he’d start balding.
Chris: The alien girl’s spin kick is definitely something we all agree is missing in Star Trek. Enough exploration of space, science, and political ideas. More kung fu, please.
Vincent: There’s not enough movies with constant action that lacks any emotional connection to the viewers. I’m glad Star Trek is here to change that.
Chris: Seems to be Starfleet personnel jumping between wrecked sections of a ship. Don’t know if it’s the Enterprise being torn up or another ship, though.
Vincent: They’re trying to escape this ship-wreck of a film! Hah! Get it?!
The alien voice-over continues: “This is where the frontier pushes back.”
Chris: The frontier pushing back line indicates to me that it’s an alien civilization that does not welcome the Federation/Starfleet. The ship corridor we see here is probably the Enterprise because of the red alert lights. And I’d guess the alien there could be Idris Elba’s character. Reminds me of Jem’Hadar aliens from Deep Space 9 but they’re probably new.
Vincent: You know my theory on the hot/not hot aliens? These aliens are so ugly that they’re obviously evil and they should have welcomed us with open arms, but instead they’re big jerks who want to kill us. If they were hotter they’d be totally trustworthy and awesome.
Chris: Kirk asks: “What the hell is this?” and at the same time an alien tosses a yellow-shirted guy through the air. Could be the new alien tossing Kirk around.
Vincent: That alien is really pissed he lost at dabo.
The new female alien says: “I know why you’re here…”
Chris: Scotty looks terrified by whatever he sees while the alien girl seems to be expecting it. What if the girl falls for Scotty instead of Kirk just because Pegg wrote it?
Vincent: That’s possible and probable.
Chris: There’s that pink-headed Starfleet person that I think is with Kirk in earlier shots. A shadow falls over him. A big shadow.
Vincent: How to die in a movie: 1. Hang out alone with the main hero in a life or death situation. 2. Be an alien. 3. Be a character that is new. 4. Not be a hot lady.
The alien girl’s voice-over continues: “…why we are all here.”
Vincent: Okay, I’ll give them a little credit. This looks a little like original Star Trek. Just something about it.
Chris: Wherever this “mining” camp is, the whole Enterprise crew is enslaved there. And I think it’s specifically the Enterprise crew because that little alien in the left-middle of the frame looks to be Keenser, Scotty’s alien assistant.
Chris: Sulu and Uhura are part of the captives. We get so many fast action shots that I have very little idea what any of the crew are up to in this movie. Does Chekov have a role? This is a total teaser. I can’t make out what the plot is other than bad aliens attack the Enterprise.
Vincent: I hope the women/Sulu roles aren’t all regulated to acting surprised/horrified.
Chris: Helpful reminder that 30 seconds ago we saw the Enterprise being destroyed. They want us to remember that.
Vincent: I forgot they dun blowed up the Enterprise.
Chris: Here’s a shot of that girl alien knocking down another alien and falling. To the right, we can barely see Captain Kirk flying through the air. Best guess is he jumps off the motocross bike to catch her. Which is really good planning ahead and timing.
Vincent: In the original series Kirk jumped a ramp on a tricycle. This is an homage to that.
Chris: I’ve never seen their transporter tech work like this where your body slowly teleports from bottom to top. Maybe it’s different technology.
Vincent: It’s probably alien. Interesting that he has to touch her in order to transport. Wouldn’t it be funny if they only transported the part he was touching?
Chris: And he grabs the girl at the last second so they’re both teleported, roughly, to the floor of a transport pad.
Vincent: Totally missed sexist joke opportunity. They appear and he’s touching her boob, and she growls and shakes him off and he shrugs, gives a boyish smile, and then winks directly at the camera.
Kirk groans: “Okay. Let’s never do that again.”
Chris: Once I stopped laughing from that super-original quip, I noted that the movie will be in theaters July 22nd. I’ll see it. I liked the first one of these a lot. Star Trek into Darkness? It was okay, but not very concerned with any logic. I mean, Scotty seemed to basically cure death thanks to some blood. I guess he probably lost his research since then or these characters wouldn’t be too worried about any threat.
Vincent: As hard as I’ve been on this trailer, if the movie is actually good I’ll enjoy it. I’m not predisposed against it. I was really looking forward to this movie since they’ve made a lot of creative changes. Then this trailer hits and it looks like more of the same. It’s possible that there’s an interesting story in here and they just front loaded it all with action… but I’m not going to hold my breath.