Toy Aisle Terrors (Featuring GI Joe)

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We’ve all seen them. The toys in the aisle that make you roll your eyes or shake your head. The toys that are obviously shoddy work or don’t fit with the theme well or are just bad ideas. I’ve decided to walk down the aisles of Targets and Walmarts and snap photos of the toys that no one should love.

Not every GI Joe toy can be a winner. For instance, this strangely bored-looking and stiff Roadblock:

Sleepy time

Sleepy time

To begin, we’ll take a look at some of the questionable GI Joe toys on shelves now as well as a bizarre fad. Read on to see what I’m talking about.

Kids like dressing up but the fun of putting on a plastic faceplate and having a flimsy disk and tiny plastic sword would probably only last about 10 minutes if you’re lucky.

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There are 12-inch versions of Roadblock and Snake Eyes but they’re not very posable like the small GI Joe figures. They looks stiff and uncomforatable. They have muddy talking chips but that doesn’t help much for Snake Eyes who doesn’t talk.

http://youtu.be/qHpbuCXK2S8

Look at these abominations of nature. What’s up with the white and blue skeleton man? I’ve never seen him in GI Joe.

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Here’s Flint based on the new Retaliation movie, despite the fact that he never wore neon green nor rode a motorcycle in the film. Also? Flint was able to look forward in the movie.

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Here’s Zartan despite the fact that this is clearly based on the Zartan from the GI Joe: Resolution cartoon. Retaliation should have one that looks like Arnold Vosloo with a mask of the President of the U.S., right? Also, what fun is it to put masks on a character that is still clearly Zartan? It doesn’t help that one of the three masks looks almost exactly like his regular face.

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Right next to the Joe toys, you can usually find some knockoffs for the parents that cheap out on their kids. I think there are entire toy companies whose goal is to trick grandparents into buying the cheaper version of what their grandkid wants. I had a couple Joe knockoffs as a kid and they were always cheaper plastic, less poseable and not sculpted as well. Just like this guy:

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And what about this guy from the same line? Is he a good guy or a bad guy? I really can’t tell!

Of course, there’s all sorts of bad toys out there. One of the strangest themes hitting the shelves is board games based on popular iPhone games. Much more expensive and probably not even half as fun. How do you think the gameplay works on any of these?

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Isn’t this called Scrabble?

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That’s enough complaining this time. Be sure to avoid these toy aisle terrors.

  • Jon

    My wife picked me up a blind bagged Micro Force for my birthday (which I was allowed to open on our way to see GI Joe), and I would have been disappointed in them if not for the fact that I got Snake Eyes and another random ninja. They are now fighting for right in my herb garden, protecting my basil and cilantro. Sometimes when I’m watering them, I pretend Snake Eyes is fighting those weird plants from Cobra-La.

  • You are hilarious.