The Top Ten Ways I Want to Die

I’ve been thinking about my own mortality lately and I’ve finally come up with the ways I’d like to die when it eventually happens. Check it out!

1. Fighting a Nazi on a Zeppelin


I’m not really sure how it would happen, but I imagine that I’m fist fighting a Nazi on top of a burning Zeppelin that’s crashing into Nazi headquarters.

There’s really no better story that you’re loved ones can tell when someone asked them, “How did it happen?” You can’t just say, “Well, he died fighting a Nazi on a blimp” without giving more details. Better yet, during my eulogy I’d love for someone to say, “Vincent, died doing what he loved, fighting Nazis on blimps.”

2. Nuclear Bomb Blast


I’ve thought about the eventual nuclear holocaust a lot and I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to go out right away. Fuck building a shelter. What do you have to look forward to? They say that the living will envy the dead and I’d rather be envied than some sucker dying slowly of radiation poisoning or being processed in some robot run death camp.

3. A Giant Alien Squid Attack


It really would be nice to live in the peaceful world that would come from a giant alien teleporting into our world and sending out a psychic backlash that would kill millions, but at least dying from it would make you a part or the world peace. You’d be like a hero. Plus my family would probably get a nice fat, yet mysterious check from the Viedt corporation.

4. Transporter Accident


Woah there, before you start thinking I want to end up a as a pile of hellish goo with the only sensation I can feel being pain, that’s not what I’m looking at here. I’m looking at being transported off world during a dangerous encounter with an alien foe and being lost in the transporter buffer or something technical like that. First I’m there and then I’m not. No fuss, no muss. The benefit of dying like this is that even though there wasn’t a body, I’m sure there would be a ceremonial torpedo shot out in my honor with the Scottish guy playing bag pipes.

5. Under a Pile of Naked Brazilian Women


I think this one speaks for itself.

6. Crushed by a Stomping Godzilla


Out of all the ways I could be killed by Godzilla, I think being stomped upon would be the quickest, least painful, and still remain a kick ass death. I’m also assuming I at least had a good time in Japan before I was killed.

7. At the Hands of my Arch Nemesis Captain Crunch


If I must perish, I’d like it to be at the hands of my worst enemy.

8. Squirrels


I have no idea how it would happen, but I’m assuming it would be both painful and hilarious.

9. Throwing the Emperor Down a Shaft


If I turn evil, I want someone to convince me that there’s still good in me and then in a critical moment I would sacrifice myself to save the people I love. That would be awesome.

* Sweet illustration comes from here.

10. By the Ultimate Nerd Film


Have you ever seen the film In the Mouth of Madness where a book/movie turns people crazy? I’m sure that there’s the opposite possibility that there will be a movie developed that’s so awesome that you die in eternal bliss from watching it. It would have to have some combination of robots, dinosaurs, boobs, ninjas, cowboys, and zombies combined with lots of space combat. Oh yeah, and there’d have to be a lot of puppies.

  • If you’re gonna go, go with a smile!

  • I never knew you had an Arch Nemesis before…

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  • Captain Crunch will chuckle and stroke his mustache as you simultaneously drown in your own blood/bleed to death from the roof of your mouth. Goddamn crunch berries!

  • Why does everyone say that about Captain Crunch? Is the roof of my mouth calloused or something, because I’ve never had that happen.

    Anyway, great list!

  • Vincent

    I don’t have a problem with the cereal, because I let it get soggy. Take that Captain CRUNCH, you jerk!

  • April

    My vote: The squirrels that jumped off the blimp in time to avoid the nuclear holocaust and survived on Captain Crunch until they captured you, threw you down a shaft, and allowed you your last request of seeing naked Brazilian women bathe puppies before you died.

  • I love that your arch nemesis is Cap’n Crunch. lol

  • This is hilarious. Great list.

    But I love the Captain! He has never mentioned a nemesis, much less an Arch-Nemesis.

    What has Cap’n Crunch done to earn your ire? I happen to know that Brazilian women find him irresistible. Sounds like Jealousy to me.

  • Wow,

    If you ask me, I would say option 5 and 5 and 5 …… make it 10 times. LOL

  • Jerkass Spammer

    HaHa, hilarious. Squirrels are my favorite. I’ve actually had a nightmare about flying squirrels taking over my bedroom and attacking me.

  • I like the idea with a Brazilian women i love this.

  • Jolle

    Haha, awesome list dude!! =)