You’d think being the biggest pro wrestling star of all time would be enough. Not for Hulk Hogan, though. He keeps trying to break through with something, anything else. Sometimes he wants to be a Real Actor™. Or a reality star. Or a rock star. Does any of this work? No, the Hulkster keeps trying to get into business for himself and he doesn’t exactly seem choosy over what kind of a business. This is probably because he’s stupid. Hey, we can all enjoy some Hulkamania running wild on us, but none of us are dumb enough to support the following Hulk Hogan businesses.
10. Terry Bollea: Actor
No Holds Barred. IMDb rating = 4.2 out of 10
Suburban Commando. IMDb rating = 4.2
Mr. Nanny. IMDb rating = 3.6
Santa With Muscles. IMDb rating = 2.3
Oh, there’s a pattern.
9. Hulk Hogan’s Main Event
Hulk Hogan decided to endorse and lend his likeness to a wrestling video game. Hey, the WWE games are popular. But Hulk Hogan’s Main Event had exactly one wrestler you know – Hulk Hogan. It was an XBox 360 game for its motion-capture Kinect device which critics panned for not working properly. They also said it had bad graphics and terrible sound. Games Radar ranked it as the 40th worst game of ALL TIME.
8. Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling
A reality show about wrestling? Well that’s somewhat in his wheelhouse. It was 8 low-rated episodes on CMT, the Country Music TV channel. Oof. And this gang of contestants was definitely pushing the definition of “celebrity.” We had Trichelle from a season of MTV’s The Real World. Frank Stallone. Tiffany. Dustin “Screech” Diamond. Dennis Rodman won. Big surprise, he’s the only athlete. What an awful show.
7. Hulk Rules
I don’t know who told Hulk Hogan he could rap, let alone sing, but he attempts both on this unintentionally hilarious album. All of the songs are about him, wrestling, or him and wrestling. Even the one about one of his fans is mostly about how much it affects him to know that a kid is dead. But at least heaven got another Hulkamaniac. You’ve never heard an album with this much ego. Seriously, he puts 90s rappers to shame. According to the liner notes, he played the bass and wrote EVERY song.
Someone more clever than me set the song “Hulkster in Heaven” to drawings of Hulk Hogan made in MS Paint, which literally show what Hulk is singing about. It’s glorious:
6. Hogan Knows Best
Obviously Hogan does NOT know best, as this list demonstrates. Nevertheless, he had a reality show about his family life. VH1 made the only sane choice it could when it canceled the show in 2007. This was following his son drunkenly crashing a car and putting his friend into a vegetative coma for the rest of his life as well as the later reveal that Hogan was cheating on his wife with one of his daughter’s friends.
Hogan’s wife got “revenge” by dating 19-year old Charlie Hill who was between grades of her children. Awesome.
5. Hogan Energy
Hulk Hogan decided the world would benefit from yet another energy drink. What made this one unique? Hogan claimed it had the vitamins and minerals you need (you know, like his old wrestling shtick), but mostly it was just caffeine. It only lasted about a year in 2006. Maybe people just don’t want to drink from cans featuring leathery old bald men full of bulbous muscles and torn clothing.
Just last month, Hulk Hogan decided that it was time for his advanced knowledge of the Internet to benefit mankind. Hence, he created Hostamania. Hostamania is a partnership between Hogan and parent company Tech Assets, a team of industry veterans who developed the cloud hosting platform. The rates are reasonably competitive. Hogan promoted this one by making an ad where he rides a wrecking ball like Miley Cyrus. Hogan announced: “I didn’t get to be the world champion by settling for anything but the best, so I’m very excited to have a great staff and some amazing technology in my corner. This is going to be huge, brother!” Given his track record, that’s hard to believe. Hopefully it does better than these next three.
3. Hulkster Burgers
Another food product that only lasted about a year, but this one actually got in front of people. Thanks to a deal with Wal-Mart, Hulkster Cheeseburgers were available nationwide to nuke and then try to digest. Reviews were not kind. Look them up on wrestling forums and you can see fans claim they caused stomach pain. If you looked at the ingredients on the side, the ingredients for “melt” (not called cheese) list about a dozen ingredients before they list “enzyme-modified cheese.” That’s not much cheese, brother.
2. Thunder Mixer
The story goes that the George Foreman grill was initially offered to Hulk Hogan, but he dawdled and took forever to decide so they got George Foreman instead. It’s a quality product that went on to be a huge seller. Bummed out that he missed it, Hogan leaped at his next endorsement offer – a mixer. Unfortunately, Hogan didn’t bother to look into the quality control. The fact is there are only 4 reviews for this product on Amazon, so it’s not exactly flying off the shelves. The review that the most people mark as helpful gives it one star out of five. According to the reviewer, the item shorts out and leaks constantly. The second most helpful review also claims that it leaks. Good job, Hulk. You put your name on a defective product.
If there’s one thing on this list you should never mention to Hulk Hogan, it’s Pastamania! What was it? Hulk Hogan came up with the concept and bankrolled it himself – a chain of pasta restaurants. What he failed to consider was that the restaurant business is all about low margins and good quality. A sweaty wrestler hawking Chef Boyardee level pasta was never gonna cut it. He was promoting it every week while wrestling and it still failed hard and fast. Hulk cut his losses in less than a year, but he lost tens of millions on it.