Arnold Schwarzenegger was in every other movie from the 1980s to the 1990s and while his characters had some great names, they never matched the insanity of his real life name. Let’s visit his ten best.
Captain Ivan Danko – Raw Deal
Man, Red Heat was such a stretch. Luckily Schwarzenegger doesn’t talk much, because he doesn’t really do accents other than his own. Red Heat stars Schwarzenegger as a Russian cop who comes to America to hunt down some bad guys. Anyway, the name totally fits the role, the actor does not.
Gordy Brewer – Collateral Damage
I had to double check on this one to make sure it wasn’t a joke on IMDB. It isn’t! Gordy Brewer is certainly the most “average dude” name Schwarzenegger ever had. Gordy is the name of a guy with a huge pot belly that does roofing in the summer and sells Christmas trees in the winter. Gordy drinks Old Milwaukee and plays softball. America runs on the sweat and hard work of Gordys. It’s also the least likely name an Austrian will ever have, especially one not born in the U.S.A. It really reinforces the point that Collateral Damage would have made more sense for an average looking guy taking revenge on terrorists, rather than someone like Schwarzenegger.
Jericho Cane – End of Days
I love Schwarzenneger films, but man End of Days is not a good movie. Mostly it’s not fun. And “Jericho Cane” is the perfect name for Arnold in this strange and rather bleak hybrid action / horror movie. It’s so fake sounding to boot. It’s hard to imagine there was a Mr. and Mrs. Cane that would name their kid Jericho. “Oh that’s Jericho, Rob and Sheila Cane’s son.”
Harry Tasker – True Lies
Harry Tasker. If you ask me, I’d have suspected Harry was a secret agent from the beginning. A huge Austrian dude who has a super American and fake sounding name? Either he’s a secret agent or a porn star. Perhaps both.
Julius Benedict – Twins
Julius was the perfect specimen of manhood (except for his gap teeth) who was ultra smart and ultra buff, so the name Julius Benedict works for him. However, it also sounds like the head bad guy in a Die Hard film.
John Kimble – Kindergarten Cop
Another regular guy name for our pal Arnold. For anyone who has heard the Arnold soundboard will recognize the name from that. It’s so synonymous with Schwarzenegger that it’s probably one of his most famous character names simply by the amount of times it’s brought up on Schwarazennger prank phone calls. “I’m Detective John Kimble, I’m going to ask you a few questions.”
Douglas Quaid – Total Recall
Douglas. I mean, seriously. This guy’s name is Douglas. Have you ever in your life met a dude named Doug that looked like Schwarzenegger? Of course you haven’t.
The best part about the name Douglas Quaid is his last name. It’s so exotic sounding that it totally fits the tone of Total Recall. It’s a great name to yell in anger. Try it. Just scream, “Quaid!” the next time you’re pissed.
Ben Richards – Running Man
Ben Richards is the name that is the most too normal to fit with Arnold Schwarzenegger. How many people in Germany or Austria do you think are possibly named “Ben Richards.” It’s the kind of name you’d find on a 1950s soap opera. “Did you hear that Doctor Ben Richards left Nurse Sally last week?”
What I like about the name is that it is so normal that it fits the insanity that is The Running Man. Everything about that movie is crazy, except for the main character’s name.
Dutch – Predator
Dutch. What a great fucking name. Well, aside from the fact that Schwarzenegger isn’t Dutch. His full name is actually, Alan “Dutch” Schaefer. Alan Schaefer is the closest Arnold ever got to his real name. I can imagine Schwarzenegger using the name “Alan Schaefer” for an STD test in order to avoid the paparazzi.
By the way, if you ever wondered what happened to Dutch after Predator, he fought Aliens along side Predators and a super cute Japanese chick. Oh and he somehow lost his arm and got a super sweet robot replacement!
John Matrix – Commando
John Matrix. Such a great damned action hero name. Matrix is another great made up name for a hero. If you’re named Matrix, you’re going to get into some shit. And that shit being a lot of explosions where dudes fly 50 feet up into the air.