The Strangest Star Trek: The Next Generation Merchandise

Star Trek Phone

“Hello? Yes, one moment, I just stabbed myself in the face with my Enterprise phone. I can’t figure out how to hold it.”

Star Trek will put their license on almost anything. But toys, figures, replica props, clothes? I get that. It’s when the license goes to a product that has nothing to do with sci-fi or Star Trek or there’s an overall lack of quality that they end up on this list. Here’s ten strange merchandize items that I was able to easily find with a little online shopping. I’d love to have included the above phone because it looks so unwieldy. But it’s based on the Original Series. So it just goes at the top of the article as a teaser. Are you teased enough? Then let’s move on.

talking worf lunchbox

What’s more appetizing than Wof’s face? How about a sad Worf’s face? Yeah, this was a talking lunch box. It was less than 10 inches tall and the handle was on the back of his head. He said the following phrases: “You are not authorized in this area”, “Captain, I am detecting an intruder”, and “We are being hailed by the enemy vessel”. Yum!

star trek tng panties

Star Trek can sometimes be sexy. Seven of Nine and T’Pol were sexy. Not as sexy? Underwear with the Next Generation uniform theme. I doubt the crew had to wear Starfleet-issued underwear depicting their function and rank. Although it would make the episode Chain of Command where the Cardassians kidnapped and tortured Captain Picard for info more interesting.

star trek tng $100 coin

Want a Star Trek coin? I don’t know what you’d do with it. It’s just a tiny coin with an image of Picard on it. That would get old fast. Well, at least it only costs $150 new.

star trek tng riker hallmark ornament

I’ve never understood any of Hallmark’s licensed ornaments that don’t contain a holiday theme. Well, as a kid I thought they looked cool. But now, I want to keep the theme more Christmas-y. But your mileage may vary. No matter what, a light up Enterprise ship is one thing but a figurine that looks like Commander Riker is squatting to take a mighty shit is another.

star trek tng $150 poster

Above is a series of photos of the TNG cast that look like they belong in a high school yearbook. I’m surprised Worf’s background isn’t a bunch of neon lasers. It’s not the most exciting series of images. And they charged $100 for it. That’s just adding insult to injury.

star trek tng dining set

The rationale here must have been: “Let’s see if TNG fans will buy anything.” You get a plastic plate, bowl and cup. No silverware. Bad artwork. And they had the audacity to call it a Dinnerware Set. You know what? If you want to put this out when your in-laws come over for Thanksgiving, you’re just telling them: “I want to be alone! Alooooone!”

star trek tng flying disk

Legally distinct from the Frisbee! Catch it. Pause to stare at the artwork for minutes on end. Finally toss it to your friend. All him or her to take some time to enjoy the artwork. Hours of time can be spent with it.

tng saving bank

A Ferengi Saving Bank. Not “Savings.” “Saving.” I tried to find any other mention online of a Saving Bank but every result was for Savings. Whatever, this looks like a Cronenberg body horror movie in toy form.

TNG marbles

Kids that love Star Trek are very likely to throw down their video game controllers and PC mouse and charge the stores en masse for plastic marbles! Marbles. Kids can’t get enough of them!

TNG spoons

Ah yes, my fine collection of Next Generation spoons. No, no. We don’t use them for soup. They are to look at. They’re spoons AND photos of the Next Generation crew. A perfect match!

  • dan

    hilarious. couldnt the engravings on the spoons at least be the ufp symbol or something?

  • Chris Piers

    Good idea!