The following post originally appeared on DigitalMonkeyBox.com and is re”printed” with my permission. It was published in 2004 and the really interesting fact is that parts of it were read on air by Anthony of the Opie and Anthony show. It’s a small accomplishment, but one that I think is very cool.
Good Friends Cereal
…In the meantime let me satisfy your urges with a brief review of a little cereal called, Good Friends. We stayed with a friend while in L.A. and the nearest grocery store is only about a block away. The first time I went to L.A. I went immediately to the cereal aisle to get myself something good like Captain Crunch or Cocoa Pebbles (I eat really healthy) and I see all these weird ass looking cereals in their place, like Honey Nut Bumpers and Good Friends. It was then I realized that I had stopped in an all natural grocery store. I got the most normal stuff I could find and left as quickly as possible. This time, I was well prepared and since I wanted to try something new, I picked up a box of Good Friends cereal, along with some all natural and good-for-you sake.
Good Friends caught my eye in the midst of all that other junk. Who in the hell names a cereal “Good Friends?” Why not “Tasty Nuts” or “Bran Blow?” Okay, those aren’t the best names either, but “Good Friends” is not the first thing I think of when I’m consuming a food product.
They became good friends that drunken Saturday night .
The box art is some of the worst I’ve ever seen for any food packaging and that’s including the white pretzel bag with the black lettering that simply announces you are buying, “Pretzels.” The “Good Friends” in question seem to be Siamese twins or are a special kind of “Good Friends.” The picture of the two women illustrates my point to the fullest. It makes me wonder, what kind of good friends are these ladies? Does the one at the left always bring the one on the right home for the holidays, with her parents introducing the girl on the left as, “…and this is her good friend…”
Mom, I have something to tell you.
Determined to get to the bottom of this, I decided to purchase some and take it to my buddies place and try it. After all, the box promises that the cereal was made to be a healthy, yet good tasting cereal, and to give your colon a blowout of mythic proportions. I didn’t try it right away. Instead I found myself making excuses to myself, “oh I’m too full to try cereal now” or “tonight’s not the right night for that.” Finally, on the last morning before I left I had no choice, try the damn cereal or try to take it with me on the plane. Since I didn’t know if a bowel destroying device was allowable by FAA rules, I decided to try the friggen stuff.
I poured it into the bowl and was greeted with the most unappetizing sight that really ranks up there with my “Most Unappetizing Sights of All Time List.” I was committed though, and I poured the milk and tried my first spoonful. My first thought was, “this isn’t very good.” Then I tried another one and the cardboard/grainy/somehow solidified sand taste moved around in my mouth as I thought, “this is gross.” I’m a brave reporter though, and I wanted to make sure it was horrible so I took one more spoonful, chewed it for a moment and then spit it out into the bowl. Seconds later, I was dumping the contents of my bowl of Good Friends into the toilet and happily flushing it down.
Oh great, a bowl of wood.
Still interested? Check out the Good Friends official website that touts that the cereal now contains, “20% more granola, tastier twigs, & 12g of fiber!” That’s what I really was looking for when I was dumping the rest of the bowl in the toilet, tastier twigs. Seriously, the kind I tried had 8 grams of fiber. 8 grams of fiber is about 30% of your daily allowance of fiber. The new kind contains 12 grams of fiber, which is about 42% of your daily allowance of fiber. That means that the colon gun of Good Friends is now a colon cannon. I wonder why this stuff isn’t more popular?