Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has been around since 1984. That’s 30 years of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! I love them, you probably like them if you’re reading this. But they have had some weird, weird toys. Most of them from Playmates, the original license holder for the figures in the late 80s into the 90s. Look, there’s nothing I can do to prepare you for this. Some things you just have to experience for yourself.
What if a dingo were a mutant? I guess we can make that, but I’m sure we can get much stupider than that. Just make him stereotypically Australian. I want Crocodile Dundee to do a double take.
19. Genghis Frog
You know, like Genghis Khan. But as a frog.
18. Panda Khan
Like Genghis Khan. We did it already? Do it again!
17. Raph as The Mummy
How about we put the Turtles in costumes as monsters? I don’t care that they fight monsters, I need more Turtles on those shelves!
16. Slap Shot Leo
What if the Turtles were sports pros? That would terrify the general public who don’t know about these ninja mutants! We don’t care.
15. Space Usagi
What’s the opposite of being a samurai in feudal Japan. Being a space fighter? Uh, sure, why not? Just be sure to put box art that makes Raphael look guilty for attacking the Shredder.
14. King Lionheart
So he’s a king and a lion? Is he a good guy? Does he live in modern times? Just kidding, I don’t care. Just make it.
13. Hot Spot
On the way to work, I noticed how firefighters sometimes have dalmations. Okay, put it in the pipeline for next week.
12. Jolly Turtle Tubboat
What vehicles haven’t we shoved the Turtles in yet? A tugboat? Well, just make sure it’s lamer somehow.
11. Bandito Bashin’ Mike
What if the Turtles were in the Old West? Sure, I don’t care anymore.
10. Monty Moose
Canadian kids have money? Put an animal in a Mountie uniform, like yesterday!
9. Chief Engineer Michelangelo
Oh, we also have the license to make Star Trek figures? Ok, put the Turtles in Star Trek uniforms. Maybe we can figure out a way to put Kirk in a turtle shell later.
Kids like that Joe Camel mascot. Let’s just make him.
7. Farmer Mike
Do we have any professions left to put the Turtles in? Farmer. Wow, that’s boring. Uh, give him a vehicle and we can charge more.
What animals are left? Giraffes? Uh, they’re tall like basketball players. Put a hoop around his neck. Let’s get going, happy hour is only going for another 20 minutes.
Let’s just go full racist and make a yellow Asian bad guy. Let the kids put stickers on him and they won’t care.
4. Pizza Tossin’ Leo
The Turtles need to be goofier. Let’s put pizzas in their chest and make their eyes cartoonishly bug out. That sounds horrific? Eh, throw in a Dominos pizza coupon.
3. My First Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
This will give kids nightmares. Let’s sell it!
Hey, let’s make a really gross guy that borders on an ethnic stereotype. And make sure he doesn’t make any sense. Give him a pizza for a foot.
1. The Ooze Flusher
The Turtles live in the sewer. What’s the point of the sewer? To flush our shit away. Well, let’s make a toy where you can dump toilet waste on your toys.