Terminator or Wookiee?

The following article appeared in its original form on Digital Monkey Box. It has been modified to fit your TV:

After watching Terminator 2 for about the hundredth time, a question sprang into my mind that I had to ask Babette: “What would you rather have, a Wookiee companion or a Terminator guardian?” Of course, after she contemplated whether she had made the right decision of hitching herself to this shooting star of a man-child, a lively debate broke out. It would be a huge disservice to not include you, the few loyal readers of The Robot’s Pajamas. Now, for the sake of this discussion, we must assume that you have pissed off a super computer space mobster from the future otherwise, there’s not a whole lot of need for either a Wookie or a Terminator in your day to day life. Now, let’s begin.

The Wookiee

chewbaccaMain Advantages: Tremendous strength, advanced spaceship piloting/repair skills, very huggable on a cold winter day.

Main Disadvantage: Life Day.

The Terminator

terminator_l

Main Advantages: Nearly indestructible, likes to kill, has cool Austrian accent, or can be a hot chick.

Main Disadvantage: Its very existence assures the future to be a hellish robot apocalypse of DEATH!

After a cursory glance the two seem similar enough to be chosen solely through a dice roll, perhaps a d10 would suffice. However, the differences become quite clear upon closer examination. Let’s begin with a comparison based on resistance to damage. It is well known that a Terminator can survive severe amounts of injury, even to the point of becoming a murderous robot torso with an insatiable taste for human blood when all other options have been exhausted. Wookiees have less than a fighting spirit left after losing about 80% of its body mass, but that’s just a wild guess considering the lack of Wookiee studies. Given this kind of argument, it’s best to make the Wookiee/Terminator call on a situational basis. If you expect to be under constant attack, such as in a Zombie Red Alert scenario, then I’d recommend the Terminator as the clear cut winner. However, if you expected lower to mild threats like bounty hunters and space pirates, then the Wookie has the advantage.

Babette’s view is that the Wookiee is a much more social being that would be fun to have around in the 80% of the time you aren’t trying to outrun lizard men or robots. There is no doubt that a Wookie would be the life of a party and a great centerpiece for conversation. Your friends would say, “Oh, thanks for coming to the party. I see you brought your Wookiee, awesome!” Hell, if you forgot your Wookiee all you’d hear was, “Dude, where’s your Wookiee?” To which you’d reply, “Oh, I thought I’d come alone.” Then they’d fake interest for awhile and walk away as soon as they could. For the rest of the evening everyone at the party would kind of ignore you while you sat in a corner drinking a warm can of Pabst, occasionally checking your cell phone like you’re expecting a call, or even worse, pretending to send a text message to someone who really cared about you.

Granted, the Wookie may be fun to have around, but he’d be a little uncontrollable if he got too wild. I’d prefer the testosterone powered death robot at my side even if he’s most likely going to be boring, after all, the most you can hope for is a enormous muscle head standing by your front door holding a shotgun all day. Sure, if you took him anywhere he’d be glaring at everyone ready to blow them away without remorse. Perhaps he’d tell girls you like in his scary, thick Austrian accent that humanity will be reduced to piles of skulls when the great robot war starts, leaving you trying to explain that’s just how Europeans strike up conversations. However, having a possible lay turned down because a robot is bragging it up about winning the robot holocaust might be a little more preferable to a Wookie tearing a friend’s arms off he hits the top of the Wookie’s beer bottle with the bottom of theirs to make the contents explode in a shower of foam. (Nothing upsets a Wookiee more than losing at stop motion chess or getting beer on their fur) Plus, a Wookiee is known to be distracted by food and that could lead you into crude looking yet highly complicated net trap in the most socially awkward moment. Imagine how stupid you’d feel helplessly suspended in the middle of someone’s house that you barely knew.

Admittedly, you could turn on a Terminator’s learning chip on to make your death-bot a little friendlier, but that would lead you down a road you could never return. First the changes would appear humorous as he tried smiling and laughing. Then he’d start cracking wise with cute little catchphrases like “Hola Amigo!” and “Get ‘er Done!”, then bam the next thing you know he’s wondering why human’s cry and whining about how he could never do that and blah blah blah. I don’t think I’d be able to stand a sensitive Terminator’s angst, but I’d much prefer it over a Wookie sitting on my couch all day, eating my food, and getting hair everywhere. Hell, what happens when a Wookie gets sick? Who knows what kind of crazy space flu he could spread around?

summer-glau-terminator

This Terminator model is enhanced to attract nerd penises.

One must not forget to keep in mind that when a Terminator is in the form of a hot chick (or even if you are a gay dude and the Terminator is a muscled up dude), your loins might get confused. You might want to have sex with your robot guardian. Will they want to? What happens if they learn to love? This is a black hole of problems that will only serve to hamper your efforts to stay alive while the space gangsters have a contract out on you. Only sexual deviants will want to have sex with a Wookiee, and you can damn well bet your life that 99.9% of Wookiees won’t want you sticking your penis in them. A Wookie guardian is like hiring the ugly secretary, it’s just going to save you a lot of headaches in the long run.

Another factor to consider is durability. Like Wookiees, Terminator’s have a long lifespan, but you might have to replace their battery since there’s no warranty on those things. I’m bad enough with replacing my fifty thousand remote batteries, much less having to worry having to worry about a radioactive power core. While Wookies don’t need batteries, they do require large amounts of food, so expect to be frequenting a lot of discount warehouse stores buying 10 pound boxes of corn flakes or dog food or whatever the hell they eat.

Dog/Wookie/Grandma food

Dog/Wookie/Grandma food

Terminators also require a stockpile of weapons and ammunition to keep them happy. A Wookiee can fight with almost any kind of weapon including their bare hands or helicopters made out of balsa wood and paper machete, Terminators aren’t very productive without a few grenade launchers and thousands of rounds of ammunition. I can only imagine what kind of dent in the pocketbook that’s going to make and the kind of dirty lowlifes you’d have to get to know in order to buy said weapons. Still, you’d be instantly cooler than any of those people that collect airsoft weapons. You have a Desert Eagle that shoots harmless balls? How about a rocket launcher that unloads Hell’s fury? Yeah, that’s what I thought, you nerd.

I think it’s obvious that for my money its a Terminator every time. Yes, his existence might cause humanity’s extinction, but come on he’s an awesome killer robot! It’s what every little boy dreams of when he’s coloring his M.A.S.K. coloring book and thinking, “Gee, I wish I had my very own murderous robot that followed my every command. I could take revenge on the kids who are good at sports and make fun of me.” Of course, that might have been just me who knows, bring on my death bot!

  • Ian

    Terminator by a mile.

    I have 2 cats and their fur is fricking everywhere, I cannot imagine how much grooming must be involved with a wookie. Would you have to potty train a wookie? I would imagine a Wookie deuce would cause some serious plumbing problems. It might be nice to be able to snuggle up to a wookie on a cold Wisconsin winter evening, but that really seems like the only real advantage.

  • Vincent

    Obviously, if a wookie can shoot down TIE Fighters, it will be potty trained. But yes, that hair could be an issue.

  • Rome

    What would a wookie look like if you shaved it. I am thinking something like a Chiuaua.

  • Wookie, all the way. He’s friendlier and more sociable, although he can turn on the intimidation when he wants to. Plus, he’s the perfect wingman and never takes the hot one for himself!

    And my apartment’s full of dog hair, so hell with it, Wookie hair’s not going to make it any worse.

  • Drador

    you spelled wookiee wrong.. Ugh ;)

  • Vincent

    According to wookieepedia: “In early publications, the word Wookiee was often spelled as just “Wookie”.” So I’m just old school.

    But I’ll change it… JUST FOR YOU.

  • I’ll gladly take the Terminator. The only real issue is that its programming could get corrupted but that’s pretty unlikely.

  • Chris, Male or female Terminator?