Yesterday I gave you ten of the weirdest cereal mascots ever. But there have been literally hundreds of cereals so there’s also a strange subset of cereals that are based on an existing property. There’s been Nintendo cereal (half is Super Mario, half is Zelda), C-3POs, Gremlins… the list goes on. But some of the properties that have been tied into the cereal are just bizarre. Here are the ten strangest.
10. MR. T
Mr. T isn’t THAT different from cereals based on cartoons like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but it’s just strange that it’s a cartoon version of him on that box. Why not the actual Mr. T? Maybe it’s just not that appetizing having a big, strong man pointing at you with his bare chest just barely covered by the cereal. The overall execution of the box art was pretty lackluster is what I’m saying.
9. KISS KRUNCH
It’s no surprise that KISS had a cereal. Gene Simmons has NEVER found a product he won’t license, including coffins, biking shorts and checkers sets. But so what if it isn’t surprising? It’s still a terrible idea. What’s rocking about a kid’s breakfast cereal? What’s appetizing about grown adults wearing clown makeup looking at the cereal with expressions of (from left to right) arousal, ecstasy, anger, and general indifference?
8. DUNKIN’ DONUTS CEREAL
There was a brief period of time when Dunkin Donuts had a popular mascot (who unfortunately looked a lot like Saddam Hussein). Donuts are breakfast. Cereal is breakfast. Seems like a no-brainer. Of course, there’s not really a “donut” flavor since they come in many varieties. And Dunkin Donuts isn’t known nationwide (I live in Seattle and no one here seems to know who they are). And while a 30-second ad of a man getting up super early to make donuts is amusing, that same Saddam-looking man on your cereal box at the same time that the first Gulf War went down is a lot less of a sales victory. Not even the evil-looking Blackstone could rescue this one.
7. WILD ANIMAL CRUNCH
Wait, so is the cereal made of animal parts? Or is this what polar bears eat? They look adorable. I just don’t… what does it even taste like? Is it supposed to look like bear poop? I’m so confused!
There’s a reason cartoon characters sell cereal and nerds don’t. No one wants to be looking at Urkel’s annoying mug while they’re trying to choke down his off-brand Froot Loops. What’s the story here anyway? Did Urkel invent these? Is he trying to steal them from Carl? Why is he dancing in front of cereal loops?
5. HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL
The box doesn’t even say “High School Musical Cereal.” It’s just HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL and oh, also there is some cereal. That’s some supreme confidence in the High School Musical brand. And while it was certainly popular, it did not have the staying power to make kids want to eat it. Who even knows what flavor it is? Red?
4. WWF SUPERSTARS
General Mills created ProStars to coincide with a Saturday morning cartoon about athletes Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky fighting crime. It lasted 13 episodes. Ok, should have seen that coming. They didn’t and they had a lot of cereal to sell. So they went with the quickest option they could find: WWF wrestling. Somehow the Ultimate Warrior’s roided up body screaming didn’t set supermarket shelves on fire.
3. PRINCE OF THIEVES
Believe it or not this is not fan art. This embarrassing piece of garbage was the official movie tie-in cereal for Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, the Kevin Costner hit movie of 1991. Not only did the art fail to look even remotely like Kevin Costner, it doesn’t even look like any recognizable version of Robin Hood. It’s a dude armed for war. And he’s standing over a bowl of cereal that looks for all the world like a pair of balls on a rigid cock. I can’t believe this thing was even allowed to be sold, let alone marketed to kids.
2. CABBAGE PATCH KIDS CEREAL
Hey, remember how popular Cabbage Patch Kids were? Well, maybe you’re young and you don’t, but they were super, super popular. Not as popular: a cereal based on cabbage. The cereal actually had little smiling cabbage patch kid faces. So I guess you were just eating them before they could grow up into babies?
1. NICKELODEON GREEN SLIME
Here’s a real winner of an idea. No character, just the inanimate, indefinable slime that was featured on Nickelodeon shows back in the 80s. The stuff everyone tried to avoid getting on them. Now available to eat! Along with some orange shapes because that is a thing that is not the green thing.