Starship Troopers 3: The Robot’s PJs Impressions

Vincent   June 13, 2010   Comments Off on Starship Troopers 3: The Robot’s PJs Impressions

starship_troopers_3_marauder

I like the film Starship Troopers much more than the average person should. Hell, I’ve even written why it’s so awesome in the past (check out that link, Trooper!). And while I kind of liked the direct-to-DVD Starship Troopers 2, I had been afraid to watch Starship Troopers 3: Marauder since it’s release on DVD and Blu-Ray. I finally broke down the other night and watched it and I figured I might as well share my thoughts on the film with you, my lovely readers. Since I figure many of you have a short attention span, I’m breaking my thoughts up into bullet points. Enjoy!

The Good:

jolene-blalock_141

T’Pol: Jolene Blalock from Star Trek Enterprise takes over the role of sexy ass female pilot, because Denise Richards was obviously too busy being in… shit, why couldn’t she do this movie? It’s not like she has a career besides spending Charlie Sheen’s money and acting as dumb as possible. Anyway, I’d take T’Pol over her any day.

Mechs! Finally, power armor made it into a Starship Troopers film. The Troopers connoisseur would gladly point out that they were in the cartoon, but it’s finally nice to see one of the coolest parts of the book finally in a live action film.

Locations: What’s a sure sign that you’re watching a straight to DVD flick? Limited locations. The second movie took place entirely at a remote outpost. This one at least tries to have several different locations including two planets, though one was obviously a set and the other was just some sand dunes in Southern California.

Boobs! While it took long enough, the boob scene pays for itself. It’s not only the boobs that make it great, but the manner in which they are presented is so hilariously stupid. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but it’s radical in it’s stupidity.

The Bad:

Violence: At times the gratuitous violence, which should have been a huge bonus, seemed only placed there because we expect it. A lot of it wasn’t that shocking and in fact was just dumb, like a soldier getting stabbed with a flying shovel. Still, there’s some great stuff in there including a severed head stuck on a bug leg. There’s also some sweet exploding head action later in the film.

The Singing Sky Marshal: The first movie featured a good amount of silliness, but this one ramps it up.  The Skymarshal (their leader) is a singer that sings super popular war anthems. It kind of works on paper, but boy is it dumb in execution.

Special Crapffects: I appreciated the fact that they added a ton of new effects shots for this movie instead of going the super cheap route, but the limited budget really shows in the CGI models. The bugs are pretty damned bad at times, but the ships and the mechs don’t do much better. The final sequence looks like a really high budget fan film. And not to ruin it for anyone, but at the end of a film a planet explodes in one of the most unconvincing explosions in film history. Great job, guys!

Nameless Soldiers: One of the cool things about the first movie was that you were following (mainly) the story of Johnny Rico and his fellow soldiers. In Starship Troopers 3, Johnny’s soldiers are about a dime a dozen. Even worse, many of them clearly didn’t know what the fuck they were doing when they were under attack. Having fought the bugs for how many god damned years and being under the command of the hero of the Federation, you’d think that they could get their act together and not act like a bunch of retards when under attack.

Stupid Nerd Nitpicks: When the Sky Marshal’s giant ship blows up there is one squad of marines in a drop ship and one escape pod. You don’t see anyone else try to escape. There’s only about ten people on that huge ship? Really?

No T’Pol Boobs: Come on Jolene Blalock, you’re never going to be a big star. It’s time to show those nipples.

Religion: Religion plays a key part of the film and becomes horribly annoying at the end scene. Just when the Marauder robot suits start fucking shit up, they overlay the action with images of Blalock and another hot chick praying. I don’t need to see this, I just want to see the bug blowing up action! Maybe if the actresses would have been topless, it might have been more bearable.