Another Tastykakes review?! Yes! This is almost the last of this Tastykake review series. “But whyyyyy?” You ask in a Andrew Dice Clay mocking voice. Tastykake isn’t in my area and I’m running out of the ones sent by a Snack Report Fan! This time we’re digging into Tastykake Birthday Cupkakes. Are they enough to warm my cold and cholestoral clogged heart to Tastykake? Let’s find out!
Before I get to the actual review of the Tastykake Birthday Kake Cupkakes, I need to go on a snack rant. One of my least favorite snacks on earth is “birthday cake” or what we commonly think of as birthday cake, which is big sheet of grossness from the grocery store with some gross frosting. They rarely taste like anything good, but people act like they’re something great. Why do we eat these things? It is a very rare time where I’ve eaten a sheet cake and have been impressed. Often, I’ll skip a sheet cake snack presented to me in favor of something more delicious, like a good cookie. Hell, if we need a cake to celebrate a birthday, make a good cake like German Chocolate or insert a far superior cake that you enjoy. End the sheet cake menace!
While that ends my rant, it’s the perfect segway for the Tastykake Birthday Kake Cupcakes. The first thing that springs to my mind when I hear the words, “birthday cake” is “gross sheet cake”. Why anyone would want to emulate the mundane experience of eating a crappy sheet cake is beyond me, however life is somehow brought us to this point and we must move forward.
The packaging of this Tastykake cupcake brings up two questions:
1. Why does Tastykake continue with the childish and annoying “K” theme, except when it comes to Cupkakes. It should be Kupkakes. Or is that too confusing?
2. Why is the frosting square? Is this to replicate a square sheet cake? If this is the case, why not just make a square snack cake?
These questions have no answers. Claude Bernard once said, “We never conceive a question without an idea that invites an answer… no matter if the idea be not very clear or well defined,” but he never met Tastykake. Here’s two questions to shove into Bernard’s pie hole.
Okay, so aside from the square frosting these things are confetti cakes (one of the most boring of the sheet cake varieties aside from plain white cake), chocolate icing, and sprinkles on the top. Hurrah birthday! When I opened the package up, I was surprised to see that like the Peanut Butter Candy Kakes*, they’re kind of small and packaged together with the frosting being a rectangle over two of the cupcakes. This rectangle of frosting has melted and sagged after the application of the frosting, giving it a really unappealing look.
As for the size, does Tastykake not know how big a cupcake is supposed to be? These things are smaller than the Hostess cupcakes that have been downsized over the years. Also, why the fuck is the frosting not circular?!
The first positive thing I thought while opening the package was that they smelled good. I tore them apart at the frosting and bit in. They’re pretty thick. And tasted like what I thought they would taste like. Cakey meh. I was already “satisfied” after the first one. But being the good reviewer I ate the second one too. The situation did not improve.
Tastykake has not won me over yet, except I will add that the girlfriend really enjoyed these. So that’s something, I suppose.
Final Score: 1 out of 5 Unfulfilled Birthday Wishes
*Side Rant: I literally just had to look up which snack cakes those were because the name was so fucking unremarkable. “Was it the peanut butter cakes? Peanut butter candy cakes? What were those things called?!”
*Side Side Rant: I had a couple more of the Peanut Butter Candy Kakes. They’re still pretty so so, but out of what I tried I’d say they’re enjoyable. I’d give them another point if I could, but I can’t. You can’t change the past, unless you’re Dr. Samuel Beckett and only then it’s to right what once was wrong.