Snack Report: Hostess Chocolate Pudding Pie

Is it weird to get a boner from a picture of a snack?

Is it weird to get a boner from a picture of a snack?

On my quest to eat the Hostess products that I saved in the freezer after Hostageddon (and man there are a lot of them), I decided that instead of doing a repeat I’d pick something in order to fill out another Snack Report for you all. This time I went with the Hostess Chocolate aka Pudding Pie.

The Chocolate Pudding Pie was a bit more rare in the world of Hostess products, especially in the last decade. Some people didn’t even think they made them anymore! I would run across them occasionally, but I never made a big effort to eat them. I knew they were good, yet if I were to buy a pie it would always be the Cherry Fruit Pie. I didn’t eat Hostess Pies that often, so why not stick with my favorite?

What a fool I’ve been. A damned bloody fool.

Why do I have to live in a world where I can't just go buy this?!

Why do I have to live in a world where I can’t just go buy this?!

Let’s get on to the review though. Everything about a Hostess pie is amazing. The feel of that waxy paper in your hands, the sound it makes as you tear it open, and then it’s followed by the blissful scent of the sugary crust that almost sexually penetrates your nostrils.

I wish this was in 3D.

I wish this was in 3D.

Now upon my first bite I was greeted with a mouth full of crust and chocolate pudding filling. I was worried that I’d bite down on hollow crust, because for awhile there Hostess seemed to be really skimping on the filling. Not so with this pie!

My first thoughts upon having this in my mouth was, “Oh my God, this is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.” I felt like a changed man. I never wanted the experience to end. It felt like everything was right with the world and I had reached the center of the universe. It was like that pudding pie had the secrets of the galaxy and they were revealed to me and I was the center of a million exploding stars. And then, it was all over. I got to my favorite part of the Hostess pie, the final corner… which still had plenty of pudding in it. And like that it was gone. I was sucked back into the doldrums of every day suckitude. I have friends that had a kid recently and they said that they never felt emotions that deep before their kid was born. Well obviously, they never had a Hostess Chocolate Pudding Pie before they had their dumb kid. From the first bite to the last it was an orgasmic ride of chocolate flavored ecstasy.

The chocolate pie filling held up surprisingly well from the freezing process. I’d almost venture to say that it improved it. Or maybe it was the feeling that I was special, since this is one of the last Hostess Chocolate pies on the planet, unless some other company somehow makes one of similar quality, which I severely doubt is even possible.

Glaze returning back to it's natural state!

Glaze returning back to it’s natural state!

The only negative is that there was some glaze degradation on one side, it looked like actual glaze instead of just hard crusted sugar. It was almost disturbing. What would have caused this? It was stored at room temperature after freezing. Not sure what was happening there. Maybe it was too awesome to contain itself any longer?

Overall, I have to say that life in general is so much more difficult now after having experienced such ecstasy. Thankfully, I saw at least one more chocolate pie in my freezer before I have to shed my mortal coil.

Score: 4 out of 3 Chocolate Piegasims.

  • Chocolate pudding pies are always WAY better frozen than at room temperature. I’m not sure why, but freezing really brings out the chocolate flavor.

  • I never knew. Curse my metal hide!

  • Michael Aaron Blank

    There was one vending machine on my campus in the 90’s that had hostess pecan pies. They were the same genius as the chocolate ones.

  • WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

    MIND BLOWN!

  • Hungyman

    When are these pies coming back to shelves? I need my chocolate pie fix! Hurry up, and get production going! I would not have had this problem if Hostess was not hijacked in the first place by dinosaur unions! This is what happens when unions suck the life profits from a company. Who still thinks unions are good, except for those who still live in the 1920’s in their minds….

  • Joe Joe

    Well this is what happens to companies and cities (cough-cough Detroit) when you allow unions to enter and spread their diseases. RIP Hostess. You are sorely missed and the people are very sad indeed that they can no longer enjoy the Chocolate Pudding Pie that was so decadent.

  • Nicole

    This is the greatest review I’ve ever read about anything, ever

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