I hinted about watching I Am Here….Now on my blog after I reviewed Neil Breen’s third film Fateful Findings. I had thought about waiting on it until I was completely recovered from the experience of the last film (Breen’s films are hard to endure) but Chris found the film on YouTube and messaged me the link. Against my doctor’s wishes, I took up Chris’ challenge and sat down at my computer to watch the film where Breen literally made himself God.
Like all other films from Breen, this film has only has a shadow of a story and an ego that thinks it has something deep and meaningful. The long and short of it is that it centers on Neil Breen as some sort of alien creator/robot Jesus (yeah, you read that right) and he’s upset with humanity. He talks about how we don’t use renewable energy and talks a lot about corporations and greed—without getting into any specifics (I think Breen just thinks saying the word “corporations” somehow makes him “woke.” I’m guessing he also uses the word “sheeple” a lot in his everyday life)—and he’s out to stop gangs who stand around demolished buildings waiting for their competition to come walking up to them so they can kill them. He also has sex with an escort and heals a cancer suffering man bound to a wheelchair and, in doing so, magically makes him young and takes away his and another girl’s free will and makes the two fall in love. Oh, and he also likes to pull a Zack Morris and freeze people—one time to steal a man’s clothes (kinda weird considering he created a planet and people but creating clothes is impossible), another time so he can have a man in a wheelchair cut in line to see the Las Vegas sign and finally to make gang members eyes bleed. Alien Robo-Jesus isn’t a very nice guy in this film.
Like any Breen film, one can pontificate for hours about the not-so-subtle subtext that is blatantly displayed for the viewer to see. Breen’s ridiculously huge and obviously fragile ego is still on display but, unlike lazy narration telling you how awesome he is, this time he just writes and casts himself as the creator of the world. This time around Breen also is showing us how little he respects women. The man can’t write a decent character to save his life and I can’t expect his female characters to actually be somewhat empowered but, in this film, he boils his female characters to objects that are meant to be nothing else but sexual objects. The main females are sex workers and Breen films them all in low-cut tank tops that are all on the verge of having their breasts become exposed. Even when two characters are on a midday walk with the child of one of the girls (who is clearly a plastic baby doll), both of them have button up shirts that are unbuttoned past their breasts. I’m scared to think that Breen is standing behind the camera just hoping their boobs pop out.
Unlike the other Breen films, I found myself laughing out-loud quite a bit. Yes, his other films are funny but this one was exceptionally funny because it is just so damn sloppy. The usual bad acting, ear-bleeding sound, choppy editing and terrible camerawork are all here but this one also delivers up something amazing by giving you the odd choices of not having any characters actually say anyone’s name but rather refer to each other by their job titles and the fact that the entire film takes place outside. Literally everything happens outdoors—gang violence, shady business deals and even a girl very quickly deciding to turn to prostitution after she loses her job all happens under the sun. The only time the action goes indoors is when Alien Robo-Jesus has sex with an escort… and there’s no build-up to that like Robo-Jesus from Beyond the Stars meeting the girl, actually saying her name, and going on a date or anything, it just cuts to them, out of nowhere, doing it. It is horribly uncomfortable to watch.
On the Neil Breen spectrum of movies, this one is far easier to watch than the other ones I sat through. Sure, the film is terrible and is filled with a ton of footage used over-and-over again and relies heavily on B-roll and stock footage to pad the film out but its story isn’t as messy or stupidly incoherent as Fateful Findings and Double Down. Yes, it is still incredibly dumb and makes about as much sense as anyone saying yes to acting in one of these but it is, without a doubt, the funniest film he’s made.