Penthouse is Maxim (Mostly Safe For Work)

At the ripe old age of 29 I have to admit something. I love exercising my right to do things that I couldn’t do in my high school years, be it purchasing beer at the grocery store or even buying porn. I’ve even been tempted to buy cigarettes even though I don’t smoke, just because I could. Good people died in wars to protect my right to buy a copy of Hustler and kill myself through chemical means.

Being able to walk into a store and purchase copy of Playboy was a far off, seemingly unreachable, fantasy for the kid version of me. I longed for the day I could walk into any truck stop and buy me a magazine wrapped in black plastic. Hell, if didn’t buy beer or porn occasionally now, I might as well travel back in time and kick my pimply faced teenage self in the nuts.

This is why I’ll still buy the occasional “dirty” magazine in a store if they sell it. Okay, that and I totally like boobs.

Most of the time my purchases of adult literature strictly fall on Playboy as the internet is a well-spring of anything else that I would ever want to see or imagine (as well as all the things I could never imagine nor want to see). However, when me and the wife, Babette, were at Barnes and Nobel the other day I thought to myself, “Damn it all, I’m going to by myself a Penthouse.” It had been years since I had seen one and I thought it would be worth checking out.

As soon as I was home and had it opened, I noticed the magazine has taken a dramatic shift. It’s friggen Maxim with 100% more nipples. Seriously, the writing style to the damn layout is a total rip-off of the popular men’s magazine. I understand that Penthouse is probably losing a lot of readers to the internet, but it’s sad when they’ve got to copy another magazine in order to keep their market share. I wanted to feel like a scumbag for reading Penthouse, not like some frat boy d bag. Where’s the shame? Where’s the sleaze pooling on the page like grease on a pizza? This is not the Penthouse that I know, nor do I want to know.

At least I got to enjoy my rights. Seriously, it’s like voting for me. I better go out and buy a case of Hamm’s now.

  • Ha!

    Man when I finally decided to buy porn I bought the issue of Playboy where Rayne from Bloodrayne went topless. Even my tame porn is geeky.