I just watched a beautiful movie. It’s called Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. It’s so horrible it’s good. Why? Oh man, so many reasons. But let me first say it’s out on Blu-Ray 3D, so not only did I get to see this masterpiece, I got to see it in three dimensions.
The movie starts off with some driving scenes that are incredibly boring, there’s way too many point of view shots of the road. And that’s a recurring theme with this flick. You know you’re in for a great sci-fi spectacular due to two facts: 1. The hero is wearing a Mad Max knock off costume. 2. His car looks seriously lame.
I mean look at that thing. It’s total shit. (Source for the art.) No hero should be anywhere near a car that looks like that. A movie hero should be driving a vehicle that crushes this car.
Speaking of Mad Max, Metalstorm can fit right into the niche of Mad Max rip offs, what with it’s deserts, clothing choices, and car chases. It also manages to be a bit of a Star Wars rip off featuring a really lame ass Cantina type scene and the attempt to inject a Han Solo like hero fairly late into the film.
Metalstorm features Jeffrey Byron as Dogen. And let me say, he’s super handsome. I’m a straight dude, but I could see the appeal for a certain segment of the audience as he runs around in his leather pants. In one scene he’s shirtless and he’s the only shirtless person in the movie, which is kinda lame. The female lead is Dhyana, played by Kelly Preston (yes the beard, I mean wife, of John Travolta). Dhyana somehow makes her living mining with her father despite having her make up and hair in perfect order.
You may be asking, well who is Jared-Syn? He’s important enough to get into the title! Well, he’s the lame ass bad guy. Oh fun fact, he’s played by the same guy who played Pappagallo in Mad Max 2 (the leader of the good guys). Nice to see he upgraded from Mad Max knock off to the real deal.
The plot is basically guy goes from thing to thing and then the end happens. One of the greatest aspects of this movie is the fact that they were obviously trying very hard. They have a very small budget, but they manage to have a ton of costumes and special effects (bad ones).
Despite their efforts Metalstorm fails in a spectacular way. There’s a lot of wonderful badness that it’s hard to narrow it down to a few to point out, but the editing is one of the best on the list of terrible things Metalstorm has to offer. The editing is so terrible in the chase scenes that it’s impossible to get any kind of geography of who is where in your head. And it also doesn’t help that the hero’s car looks a lot like the bad guy cars.
There’s a scene that sticks out in particular in my mind as being fantastically terrible. Dogan and the mutant leader, played by Richard Moll of Night Court fame, are involved in a deadly fight. They’re both armed with futuristic knives… well actually each of them has a sai and the fighting is so bad that it’s hilarous, especially when you consider that sai are blunt instruments and they are acting like they could by cut by them. In fact, Drogan cuts a rope with his even though you can clearly see the blades are round.
Finally, the end chase scene is so lame that I couldn’t help but laugh. And then cry. The best part about it is they end it so open ended that they basically look at you and tell you to go see Metalstorm 2: The Jared-Synning when it comes out (there was never a sequel).
The 3D aspect is great. You could get by watching it in 2D for some laughs, but the 3D really puts it over the top. There’s a lot of the obvious in your face pop outs, yet they also make a decent go at framing scenes to make the most of the 3D, at least for the first half of the film.
You really owe it to yourself to watch Metalstorm. It could seriously use a MST3K type treatment or at least you and your friends gathering to make fun of it. It’s available from Scream Factory right now. Give it a spin!