Love Bites: A Chick Tract Review

Vincent let me review a Chick Tract. This is one of many that explain the danger of Halloween to kids. What do you think the biggest danger of Halloween is? Improper adult supervision? Checking the candy? Wearing proper reflective or lit clothing at night? Nope. It’s vampires!

Looks like my kind of party

Looks like my kind of party

The story begins in Transylvania, where bears and vampire dogs hang out. These people own a castle so they’re pretty successful. And look at these nerds. It’s a bunch of cosplayers including a pretty good Blade and Gandalf. The never-seen “Vampira” is pregnant. Mazel tov! I especially like the nerdy lady asking if Vampira is pregnant. She looks like she’d be good at Settlers of Catan.

These folks are seriously amped for Halloween.

These folks are seriously amped for Halloween.

So far nothing too weird. The people at this party are drawn like nerds but they aren’t too weird. They’re excited for their friend to have a baby. And they’re extra psyched that it might come on Halloween, but when you’re as into cosplay as these folks are, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, the King Vampire LARPer seems extra proud of his “calculations.” It’s not a tough thing to figure out, guy. Doctors have a little wheel they use to figure out the date. It’s not a complex math equation.

Azrael is scared of Gargamel's potions.

Azrael is scared of Gargamel’s potions.

The Head LARPer weaves a tale of summoning ancients, so I guess he’s into Lovecraftian mythology. The fact that he took the time to hang a number “13” on his door cracks me up for some reason. Did he line 13 rooms up, or does he count bathrooms as rooms and arbitrarily chose one as his 13th room? Anyway, he thinks he saw the Devil in the smoke he made. This guy reminds me of Zac Bagans on Ghost Getters or any of those ghost hunting shows. If they’re to be believed, they find ghosts every single time they investigate some place.

That's a hell of a lot of wildlife.

That’s a hell of a lot of wildlife.

King LARPer says this baby will have powers better than all of theirs, but do they have any powers? We sure don’t get to see. A snake bigger than a tree looks on. So does an owl who is not hungry for a rat that’s hanging out right next to him. That’s a lazy owl! Also? If I ever heard a rat growl, I would make a boom boom in my pants.

Take it down a notch, buddy.

Take it down a notch, buddy.

King LARPer says that no one can say his name but when his friends ask, he immediately tosses that rule out the window and tells them. And he gets really excited about it, too. Sweat leaps out of his pores and his hair stands on end. A guy this chubby could have a heart condition so he should probably reign it in a little bit.

The castle is barely on-model despite being the same shot as page 1.

The castle is barely on-model despite being the same shot as page 1.

Some lightning hits the castle and apparently makes the left tower cry. We’re told these folks then went right to bed in coffins. So I guess they’re all vampires? Even Gandalf? Well in the next panel they did jack shit for 9 months and Osama bin Laden has joined the group. Uncle Fester asks when they can see the baby and he has pedo eyes. Nevertheless, King LARPer says they can see him just before (dramatic pause) his first bite. So… a couple more years. This party is running on fumes.

Bring on the crazy!

Bring on the crazy!

Using the rarely-used visual medium rule of “tell, don’t show” we get told that some role players, elderly charity coordinators and complete strangers raise this kid. So now the story officially is crazy. Two old men are terrified of waking the baby up because it might make him fail? The story needed a few more drafts, methinks. Cut to Fat Devil sitting in his own fart cloud declaring that Igor won’t fail.

Things go from crazy to creepy.

Things go from crazy to creepy.

The story feels it’s important to let us know that it’s been 2 months since the last panel but since no one has imposed any sort of deadline, that’s completely meaningless. A girl with a melting face walks through the woods and fails to notice two men pointing and yelling (notice the exclamation point) even though they are roughly 3 yards away. King LARPer perves out on her photos. Who are these creepazoids supposed to represent? Now that we’re explicitly told they are vampires who can phone the devil, are we supposed to be mindful of vampires in castles? Is that the lesson to be learned?

Hall09

Do they do anything during the day?

Gandalf teaches the kid how to be a vampire. That’s my best guess. He even helpfully drew a stick figure instead of, say, pulling up some anatomy lessons online. They sure are holding off on revealing what Igor looks like. It’s been YEARS for some of the party people who want to see him.

Does he have... acne?

Does he have… acne?

Finally, it’s time for Igor’s grand entrance and he… looks like Alfred E. Newman. Even the characters in the story are underwhelmed (“That’s him?”). He dresses like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals and has zits. He also has comically oversized fangs that jut out of his lips. This guy is less of a threat than Screech from Saved by the Bell. Look at him. “Hi, guys!” He just wants a friend.

Everything is an establishing shot or a medium shot. Boring.

Everything is an establishing shot or a medium shot. Boring.

Two people talk about the girl they want Igor to bite. You have to read it through to figure that out, though. Mostly you might be distracted by the owl and snake which are the only interesting visuals in this panel against a flat patterned wall. But the various animals are completely unimportant to the narrative. It’s just the artist struggling to find something to keep interested in his/her work. Apparently the attack will go down on Halloween because they say the girl, Faith, will be giving out candy and comics. Comics? This girl is awesome! Now we see that it’s King LARPer and a minion talking but the minion seems less interested in the plan and more focused on the spider near him. Dudes, it’s past time to call the exterminators. You have a problem. Try vacuuming once in a while.

Where's this aunt they refer to? Is it the cat?

Where’s this aunt they refer to? Is it the cat?

So Faith prays before handing out candy. I guess she’s religious but atypical of the usual bible thumpers in these Chick Tracts because she’s handing out candy and comics on Halloween. The King is terrified that she has a bible but his minion insists it’s just an old book. I’m inclined to agree. There does not appear to be a bible in the first panel.

Terrible costumes. Don't give them too much candy.

Terrible costumes. Don’t give them too much candy.

A child with a speech impediment gets some candy and is overwhelmed. She must have some big candy bars or good comics. Meanwhile, Igor is in the woods and is completely bummed out that it’s raining. He’s somehow more pathetic. His hand shouts “splat!” Or maybe someone egged the house? Who knows?

Faith melts some more.

Faith melts some more.

This artist cannot draw normal people. Faith now has stumpy little arms and her aunt appears tob e a hunchback with Mick Jagger’s lips and a brillo pad on her head. Then she invites Igor into her home so now it’s getting hard to root for her. You don’t invite a creepy man into your house when you’re basically alone. He’s cold and wet? Well it’s raining. Maybe he should go home.

A pathetic loser versus an airhead.

A pathetic loser versus an airhead.

Igor threatens her and specifically points out his fangs. Even the cat is terrified but Faith calls him silly. And instead of attacking her, he just talks about religion so she talks about religion, too. But now she’s shorter and her cheeks are puffing out. She quotes the bible, saying that God didn’t give us the ability to fear. I think. Which is not true.

Superpowers!

Superpowers!

Igor finally decides to make his move but is physically thrown away when Faith asks Jesus for help. Yup, just by asking, Jesus used his powers to push this threat away. So if you are ever in trouble, just ask Jesus and magic happens. Never been documented, but trust this comic. Also, Faith has man hands in the first panel. Also? Why was Igor taught about the devil but not Jesus? Seems like an oversight, especially if Jesus can push him around like an invisible bully.

Hall17

The artist got tired of drawing texture and just filled it in with black.

There is apparently an ally monitoring Igor because the folks at the castle get a call updating them. Why won’t this ally help Igor? Again, we are told instead of shown that the devils (plural) have left. Did we even know there were devils? We saw the one but where were the others? Regardless, Igor is now just sitting around in a flop sweat. Probably because he’s afraid she’ll shout the magic word of Jesus and he’ll get tossed on his ass again. Faith starts talking about Jesus and I fall asleep and come back to this review hours later.

So... boring...

So… boring…

Faith loses her arm and her hand now grows out of her body. She drones on about who Jesus is. The cat is either asleep or dead. It looks like it’s dead and rotting. She may have been talking about this for a long time. I perk up when she mentions blood. She says it has to be shed for sins to be forgiven. Well, Igor was about to bite you. Would that count?

A few words and everything is peachy.

A few words and everything is peachy.

After hearing her talk for a little while, Igor decides he is a good person now and then forgets whether he just spoke. He leaves to go talk to the weirdos that tried to make him a killer. Instead of killing him, they are all horrified to see that he doesn’t have fangs anymore. Did Jesus rip his teeth out? Igor also declares that his sins are gone. As far as I know, he never actually commit any, but do you get to unilaterally declare that they are gone? I thought that was usually an outside, objective party to determine.

This went nowhere.

This went nowhere.

King LARPer asks why Satan told them Igor was special and he just shrugs and says he lied. Sounds like a lot of time wasted for no results. Then again, this guy lives in a fart. For some reason, the King thought they could trust the devil and is shocked that they couldn’t. His minion suggests trusting Jesus. I wouldn’t trust an invisible man that will kick you on your ass, but whatever.

Wait. They slept in coffins for months. So were they really vampires? Or did they just want to be vampires? I don’t know who to be afraid of!!!

What makes you an expert, Faith?

What makes you an expert, Faith?

Faith then tells us that Jesus called Satan a liar and that Jesus can’t lie. She offers us no evidence. The only reason this comic gives you for believing in Jesus is that he can punch you while invisible. The devil is just useless. If this ever converted anyone, I would have a stroke.

Love Bites score:  A in crazy; C+ in art (funny expressions every once in a while and cuckoo animals); A in stupidity

Our other religious tract reviews: Native AmericansD&D, gays, pedophiles, fairy tales, new age faith healers/end times, Muslims

Small Print: As always, the copyright owner is here. These tracts are presented here for review purposes only. Please visit their site and buy lots of religious tracts to spread around to both enlighten and entertain random strangers.

  • Lamar The Revenger

    Boy, I love these..