Little Bride: A Religious Tract Review

And we’re back with your favorite feature, the one where I review a terrible comic based religious tract and you get angry and hopefully laugh. We’ve already covered the horrors of D&D, gays, pedophiles, fairy tales, and new age faith healers, but we haven’t talked about the biggest threat of all…. MUSLIMS! Have no fear, we have “The Bride” to teach us the awful truth about the Muslim religion:

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The art here isn’t the kind I prefer in these things, but it has it’s own unique charms. It looks like the Mad magazine strips where everyone wore 60s style clothes  even though they were written 30 years after the last hippy stopped listening to The Grateful Dead. In fact, just looking at the teacher’s dress and the girl on the left in panel two lends me to believe we have another artist who is completely out of touch. As for content, it’s obvious by how ugly the teacher is depicted that she’s not a good guy. She’s probably a witch, or worse yet, pro-gay.

1054_02This is why we have to watch out for them Muslims, the first thing they want to do is to covert our young, easily influenced women folk.

1054_03Yep, this religious tract was way too normal. Got to crazy it up a bit with the introduction of an elderly super spy. Let’s call him Max Steelheart codename: Bible Ranger.

1054_04In danger of getting cut in half by a laser in a dormant volcano! Seriously, the only things Grandpa knows about are defeating super villains and Jesus.

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Yeah, better tell your friends before they convert. I used to convert religions all the time as a kid. Grandpa super spy is lucky that there’s nothing strange in the Bible (like a man living in the belly of a whale) or his job here would be a lot harder.

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Grandpa Max Steelheart says, “Convert or die, Goldfinger!”

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Superman used to trick Mr. Mxyzptlk into becoming a Muslim by chanting the magic words like this. Wait… I think I got that wrong. The thing about uttering the magic Muslim words is that once you say them, a magic burka appears on women and dudes grow a big long beard and you’re forced to live in a cave and you can never, ever take it back. On the plus side, you’d probably never see another religious tract like this again.

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A lot of religious tracts and mass emails (forwarded to you by dummies) are set up this exact same way, with a young upstart setting up the evil person in charge for failure with biblical logic. This girl is totally ready for a debate like this, I mean she spent like an hour talking to her crazy grandpa on the subject and the Muslim dude spent his whole lifetime studying it. Whose more qualified for this debate?! The little girl, obviously. Duh.

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And we are back in crazy town.  Dude failed to convert so he’s getting on an airplane to escape. Like, you know, Muslims do all the time.

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A made up story makes up something about a made up story? Preposterous!

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Man, that Mohamed. I think he’s getting a bad rap here. He was an all star Quidditch  player and he once turned broccoli into cupcakes. You don’t hear about that at all do you?

You know who else owned slaves? All of the founding fathers of the United States.

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They skip the part where it was common practice to marry children off back then and the fact that he didn’t have sex with her until she was 13 and menstruating. Yeah, that’s gross in our context, but when you were an old man at 30, 13 doesn’t sound so crazy anymore. At least, that’s what I tell my parole officer.

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More crazy shit! This tract is great because of focusing on real reasons why people shouldn’t become Muslims (according to Christian gospel) it brings up all this insane stuff. It’s not like anything has carried over from paganism into Christianity… nothing like.. I dunno… tons of shit.

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That dumb old Mohamed, can’t even come back from the dead! If 500 people saw it that may or may have not actually existed, then it must be true! It’s like the time I wrestled a bear in front of 500 bikini models that all had sex with me afterward.

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God also create the feathered haircut. Take that, Muslim god! Wait.. I mean, take that creationists!

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Shew, I was worried that the Devil created dinosaurs. I’m sorry little girl, Jesus didn’t create dinosaurs, he wasn’t alive yet. This is why you don’t have a 9 year old handling your religious dogma.

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Oh, regular non-crazy religious type stuff. Looks like we’re okay here…

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Same stuff as you’d hear in any normal church, we’re good here…

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Well if you put it that way, little girl, the choice is obvious. The way the argument is presented is, “Would you like to drink a bottle of acid or a bottle of water?” There’s no option for, “I don’t believe any of this horseshit.”

1054_21The part that you don’t see is when they run into an ICP concert right after and convert to Juggelos. They’re that easily swayed.

Overall, I give this tract a B for effort, a C+ for art, and a D- for message, and B for crazy.

Small Print: As always, the copyright owner is here. These tracts are presented here for review purposes only. Please visit their site and buy lots of religious tracts to spread around to both enlighten and entertain random strangers.

  • http://www.televisionzombies.com Chris

    I love how easily the two girls will convert to anything.

    The frustrating part is ignoring the stuff where God turns people into salt pillars or tells you to keep slaves and that it’s ok to rape some women. That all gets glossed over.

  • Vincent

    I try to point that out in each review. The biggest flaws with these things is how they pick and choose what laws to follow. If some don’t apply because they are silly or out of date, then why apply other ones?

  • PrfktTear

    And all along I thought the Jews invented dinosaurs and scattered their bones all around the world.

    Also, I wonder why the Muslim family is going specifically to the airport… do they have a plane to hijack or something?

  • Sam

    Hmmm, I know about the salt pillars, and the slaves (though it is arguable that God is commanding them to take slaves. some scholars would argue that He is simply stating how to treat slaves), but where is the raping women thing in the Bible? I’m curious.
    As for this tract, Chick Tracts are the best. They provide endless hours of entertainment and bad theology, all for a low low price. This is one of the best ones I think I’ve read. Excellent review.

  • http://www.televisionzombies.com Chris

    There are lots of laws and commands that condone rape, especially in Exodus and Judges, but check out these Dueteronomy chapters:

    Laws of Rape   (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 NLT)
     
        If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father.  Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.
     
    What kind of lunatic would make a rape victim marry her attacker?  Answer: God.
     
    Death to the Rape Victim   (Deuteronomy 22:23-24 NAB)
     
        If within the city a man comes upon a maiden who is betrothed, and has relations with her, you shall bring them both out of the gate of the city and there stone them to death: the girl because she did not cry out for help though she was in the city, and the man because he violated his neighbors wife.
     
        It is clear that God doesn’t give a damn about the rape victim.  He is only concerned about the violation of another mans “property”.

  • monkey boy

    i’ll give them this: that jesus drawing towards the end actually does look more like jesus probably looked if he existed, as opposed to the clearly white guy with long flowing hair that has been the norm since early christians combined appollo and zeus.

    the guy in the drawing up there looks like someone who could actually have been a middle eastern jew of arabic descent.

  • Sam

    NLT actually mistranslates the Hebrew in Deuteronomy 22:28-29 there. The term does not mean rape, but actually just intercourse. The NLT is a paraphrase and so can’t really be trusted as far as the original languages go. That verse is talking more about a man who uses a woman for sex (like a man would a prostitute) and then tries to leave her high and dry. As for the second one, that’s not really rape but adultery. In Hebrew culture a woman who is betrothed is technically married, but her husband has not built their house and so she lives with her parents still. The two here are being accused of adultery, not rape.

    Sam

  • Sam

    In fact, if you look in verse 25, it talks about rape and God says that the rapist must die but the victim should live because she has done nothing wrong.

  • http://www.infinitehollywood.com Newton

    I love that Adam being 90 feet tall is totally implausible, but it’s just “not nice” that Allah turned Jews into various animals. It’s also perfectly believable that God made everything in a week, including DINOSAURS ya’ll, but a book misprinting Adam’s height is enough to disqualify a whole religion.

    Do you think the people that make these know that they just make their own religion look ridiculous by presenting these as items to sway non-believers? No one can honestly read that and feel like it’s not utterly retarded. Even if you buy into all the hocus-pocus elements of religion, this is just poorly presented.

  • umar

    Oh my gosh what ignorance. for a start christian & Jewish Arabs call god Allah, no one will accuse them of idol worship. Also on the monkeys & swine thing, the story is that a group of Jews broke the sabbath, god then punished them. If we look at the bible, god orders Moses to stone a man to death for breaking the sabbath. This hypocrisy is astonishing. Another thing in the bible, it talks about how lot had incestuous relationships with his daughters, how Absalom had incestuous relationships, how amnon had incestuous relationships with his daughters. No disrespect intended but life expectancy’s & adulthood had different connotations in the past, once a girl menstruated she was considered a woman, & once a boy had a wet dream he was considered a man. This is true for the whole world. Also lets compare the presentation of Jesus in the bible & in the Quran, in the Quran Jesus’ first miracle is to defend his mother from accusations of harlotry by speaking in the cradle, whilst in the bible it is to turn water into alcohol. What would you rather present to your child, defense of your parents or alcoholism. In the bible jesus refers to his mother as ‘woman’ he speaks the same way to a prostitute. In the Quran he treats her with the utmost respect. I dont mean to preach but if we are speaking of morality one must remember that religious folk consider what they believe to be Gods law as final & absolute, & the bible is not better than the Quran when it comes to stories, if you read both you will have the chance to compare.

  • Sam

    Umar,

    There are a few things wrong with your post.
    1. I’m not really sure what the point is about incest. Just because it is reported doesn’t mean it is condoned.
    2. Life expectancy in biblical times was actually quite high, with many people living well into their sixties or seventies.
    3. Turning water into wine does not promote alcoholism. It would be like telling the story of the time you walked in on your parents having sex and someone claiming you were a sex addict.
    4. When Jesus calls his mother “woman” it is a sign of respect in Second Temple Jewish culture. Don’t read current cultural ideas and language nuances into the passages. Look at the original languages first.

    Sam

  • Ariyasacca

    Ahahaha… The comic itself is entertaining, but the debate between Umar and Sam here is way BETTER!!! Go and kill each other, you infidels! :D

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