And we’re back with your favorite feature, the one where I review a terrible comic based religious tract and you get angry and hopefully laugh. We’ve already covered the horrors of D&D, gays, pedophiles, fairy tales, and new age faith healers, but we haven’t talked about the biggest threat of all…. MUSLIMS! Have no fear, we have “The Bride” to teach us the awful truth about the Muslim religion:
The art here isn’t the kind I prefer in these things, but it has it’s own unique charms. It looks like the Mad magazine strips where everyone wore 60s style clothes even though they were written 30 years after the last hippy stopped listening to The Grateful Dead. In fact, just looking at the teacher’s dress and the girl on the left in panel two lends me to believe we have another artist who is completely out of touch. As for content, it’s obvious by how ugly the teacher is depicted that she’s not a good guy. She’s probably a witch, or worse yet, pro-gay.
Yeah, better tell your friends before they convert. I used to convert religions all the time as a kid. Grandpa super spy is lucky that there’s nothing strange in the Bible (like a man living in the belly of a whale) or his job here would be a lot harder.
Grandpa Max Steelheart says, “Convert or die, Goldfinger!”
Superman used to trick Mr. Mxyzptlk into becoming a Muslim by chanting the magic words like this. Wait… I think I got that wrong. The thing about uttering the magic Muslim words is that once you say them, a magic burka appears on women and dudes grow a big long beard and you’re forced to live in a cave and you can never, ever take it back. On the plus side, you’d probably never see another religious tract like this again.
A lot of religious tracts and mass emails (forwarded to you by dummies) are set up this exact same way, with a young upstart setting up the evil person in charge for failure with biblical logic. This girl is totally ready for a debate like this, I mean she spent like an hour talking to her crazy grandpa on the subject and the Muslim dude spent his whole lifetime studying it. Whose more qualified for this debate?! The little girl, obviously. Duh.
And we are back in crazy town. Dude failed to convert so he’s getting on an airplane to escape. Like, you know, Muslims do all the time.
A made up story makes up something about a made up story? Preposterous!
Man, that Mohamed. I think he’s getting a bad rap here. He was an all star Quidditch player and he once turned broccoli into cupcakes. You don’t hear about that at all do you?
You know who else owned slaves? All of the founding fathers of the United States.
They skip the part where it was common practice to marry children off back then and the fact that he didn’t have sex with her until she was 13 and menstruating. Yeah, that’s gross in our context, but when you were an old man at 30, 13 doesn’t sound so crazy anymore. At least, that’s what I tell my parole officer.
More crazy shit! This tract is great because of focusing on real reasons why people shouldn’t become Muslims (according to Christian gospel) it brings up all this insane stuff. It’s not like anything has carried over from paganism into Christianity… nothing like.. I dunno… tons of shit.
That dumb old Mohamed, can’t even come back from the dead! If 500 people saw it that may or may have not actually existed, then it must be true! It’s like the time I wrestled a bear in front of 500 bikini models that all had sex with me afterward.
God also create the feathered haircut. Take that, Muslim god! Wait.. I mean, take that creationists!
Shew, I was worried that the Devil created dinosaurs. I’m sorry little girl, Jesus didn’t create dinosaurs, he wasn’t alive yet. This is why you don’t have a 9 year old handling your religious dogma.
Oh, regular non-crazy religious type stuff. Looks like we’re okay here…
Same stuff as you’d hear in any normal church, we’re good here…
Well if you put it that way, little girl, the choice is obvious. The way the argument is presented is, “Would you like to drink a bottle of acid or a bottle of water?” There’s no option for, “I don’t believe any of this horseshit.”
Overall, I give this tract a B for effort, a C+ for art, and a D- for message, and B for crazy.
Small Print: As always, the copyright owner is here. These tracts are presented here for review purposes only. Please visit their site and buy lots of religious tracts to spread around to both enlighten and entertain random strangers.