I Know What Santa is For

You know why Santa was invented? I’ll tell you why, he serves the purpose of saving kids from having to look at the presents under the tree that you want to open up for weeks at a time. Forget all that hub bub about him being a mystical deity invented to keep kids in line. The only reason he’s around is to keep children from having to suffer needlessly. Seriously, I’ve got to look at all these damn presents piled up under the tree just waiting for me to open them and I can’t. I feel like my wife and my family has conspired to tease me with these gifts for some kind of sin I don’t remember committing.

I hereby move that we bring Santa back for adults. I don’t want to look at my presents until just before the moment I’m ready to open them. Perhaps we can institute some sort of system wherein one friend or family member would have to “play Santa” and stuff presents under our tree on Christmas night while we slept with visions of sugar plums and Nintendo Wiis dancing in our heads. That way, every family that would be serviced by this “secret Santa” wouldn’t have to go through the burden of having to look at their presents without having to open them.

Who should this “Santa” be? Well it shouldn’t be me, that’s for damned sure. I think the best way to select the “secret Santa” is by picking the “biggest loser” that you know. One that doesn’t have a big family or many friends. I’m sure they’d be very happy to help out those who are better than them. Who better to take care of our needs than those of us that who lack the social skills of their betters (or perhaps are barren and can’t have children)? Give them an important duty like playing Santa and the world will be a much better place.

  • Haha – How about we take this one step further? Make a lonely guy:

    1) Shop for you and your family.
    2) Wrap the presents.
    3) Deliver them on Christmas Eve.
    4) Eat some cookies.

    Actually, that’d make a good business. I bet rich people would pay to have “Santa” get the hot Christmas toy for them and deliver it.

  • Vincent

    This is why you are the master and I am but the learner.

  • Ghost of Christmas past

    So that’s why people ask me to hold on to their presents…