Fairy Tales: Another Religious Tract Review

By the popular demand, we have our next religious tract review. The last one I reviewed was pretty serious stuff, what with it dealing with a jerk bag child molester. This time we present something much more lighthearted, yet a serious problem our society refuses to acknowledge: The life destroying act of letting your kid believe in Santa Claus.

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Oh man, we are already off to a good start. Being that this is a religious tract, I’d guess that the crime committed here is either being gay or reading a book other than the Bible.

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The art here is drastically worse than in other tracts I reviewed. Were all the other artists busy drawing leather daddies making out?  Just look at that reporters face in panel two. I know someone who shouldn’t be throwing the “monster” accusations willy nilly.  Let’s just give them the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s some sort of comment on the leftist pinko media.

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Seriously this art is shit. This isn’t even the same woman that’s depicted as the mother in the previous set of panels.  And I already see a problem here. She’s telling her son about the magical woman that leaves money for teeth and not the magical bearded man that lives on a cloud.

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That’s right. The tooth fairy comes when you lose a tooth. That’s why some nights and I’m shit faced at the bars I decide to be generous and start smashing bums in the face with my fists. The more teeth they lose, the more I’m helping!

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I’m sensing a theme here….

I’d like to take a moment and point out that Santa Claus serves the same purpose as religion does, which is to keep people in line. In the case of Santa Claus if you are good you get presents. If you are bad, you get coal. With fundamentalist Christianity if you’re good and follow a billion arbitrary rules might just go to heaven, if you’re bad or don’t exactly follow their rules to the letter you go to Hell. You know, I think I’d rather take Santa Claus.

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Now the parents are experiencing what every parent experiences in this sort of situation, the tremendous guilt associated with letting your kid believe in Santa Claus. This guilt has caused many parents to hang themselves, because they can’t take the joy that radiates from their children. That’s how I lost both my parents. Just kidding, I pushed them down the stairs.

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Holy shit, that’s a sweet Godzilla toy. And a Superman stick! Sweet!

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I have never, ever been to a church that had an Easter Bunny. And come on, this is the dumbest kid ever. He’s old enough to know the difference, unless he’s going to that crazy sect of the Roman Catholic Church that believes that Christ was a rabbit. Now those guys know how to party.

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Most of my readers will remember this moment. The moment you find out Santa Claus is not real and you murder your schoolmates. It’s a part of growing up.

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Was there a fill-in artist for these panels? Seriously, what’s going on with this art?  And since when is a school shooting or violence at school ever referred to as a terrorist act? That’s almost as dumb as the Fox News term “homicide bomber.”

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I somehow doubt he’s tied up for his protection.

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The kid does come to the obvious conclusion that if his parents made up a thing or two they must have made up absolutely everything else.

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Man, this kid would be terrible at D&D. “I’m not a dwarf and I didn’t kill a goblin, you’re lying to me!!!!”

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This kid is the most evil kid in history. Good thing he’s going to jail for at least 8 years. That’ll straighten him up for sure. It’s certainly a fair amount of time for committing at least two murders.

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Here’s where they introduce a weird subplot that goes nowhere. Why does the warden hate the priest? Who knows? Who cares!

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They have such a great view of Jesus. You can’t mess with him, whatever that means, and when you die he judges you. He’s like an overcritical parent that you can’t please.

Over 500 people saw him rise from the grave. You really can’t argue a point like that. I mean, they saw it. It’s not like something like that could be possibly made up.

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That second panel has the usual group of evil people. Let’s see, you’ve got a knife wielding Arab, some sort of Satanist, a Chinese Communist, a witch, an old anti-prayer biddy, and… an English explorer pointing at a chicken bone. What the fuck?

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Here’s the regular non-crazy ass religion stuff that seems strange in contrast to all the insane-o stuff.

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Harry is just as bad as Osama Bin Ladin… BECAUSE HIS PARENTS LET HIM BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS! I really hope you’re paying attention if you have a child.

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Imagine that, Jamal cleaned up and became Barack Obama.

And so the story of Harry the murderer ends. Why, oh why can’t our society finally solve this constant problem of children going on murderous rampages when they find out that Santa and other holiday friends aren’t real? It’s such a shame that we keep ignoring this problem.

Small Print: As always, the copyright owner is here. These tracts are presented here for review purposes only. Please visit their site and buy lots of religious tracts to spread around to both enlighten and entertain random strangers.

  • The crazy always escalates in these things. A witch next to an angry librarian and an “evolutionist” I’m guessing? Same threat as Chinese soldiers, bikers, and extremist Muslims.

  • I could be wrong, but that looks like Broom Hilda under the Angry A-rab. This may very well be the most disturbing Chick Tract.

  • Thank you for doing another one!! =D

  • WOW. I’m pretty active in my church & I tell my kids I believe in Santa Claus… I guess I’m teaching little devil worshippers..

  • These things are always so ridiculous that I can’t believe they really exist. Do you think the artist really believes this crap or is it just a paying gig for him? Maybe that’s why the art sucks so bad. I love how an archeologist is supposedly against God for finding bones that may possibly contradict the story of 500 people (a really odd use of evidence) from 2,000 years ago.

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  • Mikazuki Zamazichi

    Hey, just pointing this out, the chicken bone man is probably supposed to represent scientists, more specifically those claiming we’re related to monkeys via evolution.