Dr. Doom Rapping and a Captain America Cock Punch

If you were a comic fan in the 80s it was impossible to escape Marvel’s “Secret Wars”, the biggest crossover event up until that point.

Secret Wars featured some of the biggest heroes in the Marvel Universe slugging it out in another dimension against the biggest Marvel villains. The storyline that was light on characterization and drama, but heavy in the smashing department. Take for instance the normally morally upright Captain America’s plan of attack:

Now that’s brutal! Secret Wars was so over the top, that at one point a damn mountain was dropped on the superheroes. A mountain. With a rather simple plot line, it’s no wonder than the comic mega-event was created as a big commercial for the Secret Wars line of toys from Mattel.

The main feature of the toys, aside from the appeal of owning your own Dr. Doom, was its secret decoding shields.

I was always split on these things. I don’t think anyone can argue that lenticular action isn’t cool, but having your secret identity or plan displayed on your shield was a little odd. It also robbed Captain America from having his actual shield. Is he really Captain America without his signature shield? No, not really.

The other thing that always bugged me about these figures is that the caped villains didn’t come with their capes. Look up at that ad again and tell me that Doom doesn’t look a little odd with his green unitard and hood with no cape look. Even kids are smart enough to know that aint the right look for one of the baddest badasses of comicdom. Inexplicably, Dr. Doom is also laying down rhymes in this ad. If you can’t read it well here it is:

The secret decoding shield of Dr. Doom. Now commands my Doom Platoon –by land and sea, by gun and moon– to make the Earth a living toooooooomb!

Does any of that make sense? It’s like it was written by some eighty year old jingle writer that never read a comic in his life. Terrible. Let’s all pretend that never happened and move on.

Link: An excellent blog post that details Secret Wars

  • Lamar the Revenger

    Love it!

  • Thank you, kind sir.