D&D Kills with the Help of Satan!

If there’s one thing that the Bible has taught me, it’s that Dungeons and Dragons is evil. The tool of the devil, which disguises itself as a “game”, is a gateway to the world of the occult and Satan worship. In order to better illustrate this I’m posting Dark Dungeons, an informative little piece written in the early eighties that I should have known existed, but didn’t until I discovered it in a Topless Robot article.

You can’t tell me there’s not at least one fatty that plays with this group. This is also the only D&D session in the history of mankind where the number of girls equals the number of guys and there’s a hot female DM.

Did they roll to see if the thief died or does the DM just not use dice in her games? Because that alone would be pretty damned upsetting.

Who here hasn’t had this talk?

Hot damn, that’s a pretty fast transition. Apparently, when you reach level 8 things that should freak you the fuck out are no big deal. She could have been brought to a book club for Nazis and unicorns and it would have been totally cool.

This little comic tale here is sending the wrong message. Think about it. It shows that magic totally works and you can benefit from it immediately. Imagine you’re a kid and you’re reading this, when was the last time Jesus got you anything cool like D&D figures? NEVER. This comic reveals that magic is not only real, but you can totally get whatever the hell you want by using it by expending minimum amount of effort. Magic is so the American way of life.

Or… it’s just a crazy coincidence and Debbie’s Dad is trying to show interest in his daughter’s life and attempting to buy her love.

Side Note: This chick is the biggest geek in the universe. What girl wants two hundred bucks worth of D&D merch and not any clothes or Popples?

A. Exactly how is she fighting the Zombie without the assistance of the Dungeon Master?

B. It’s little details like, “I’m fighting the Zombie” that give away the fact the writer has never played nor looked at a D&D manual in his life. I bet she also listens to “the Twisted Sister” while she’s being all evil at her evil club.

C. Who in the bloody hell would bother even touching D&D again when you can freaking cast spells that work?! I’d be too busy having sex with cheerleaders and eating free pizzas if this was me.

Uh-oh! This can’t be good.

Yep, proof positive that teens get so absorbed in D&D that they cannot separate themselves from the characters in the game… disregarding the fact that this never, ever, ever, eveeeeer happened in real life.

You know it’s sad that this girl killed herself, but is D&D really to blame? She could have easily made a new character. I suppose it’s easier to blame a game than the underlying problems that really caused her suicide, which was obviously due to the facts that she was ugly and nobody liked her.

I hate to be picky here, but Marcie harmed herself. They were just mean to her. If I had a nickel for every suicide I caused by being mean… but do I lose sleep at night? No way! They were too weak! Don’t be stupid Debbie!!!

“I don’t want to be Elfstar anymore! I want to be Debbie!” have got to be the greatest two lines ever written in the history of literature.

I don’t know if I trust this guy. He was probably “fasting” so he’d lose weight for the wrestling weigh-in and thought he could bone her with that line.

If the football player that time traveled from the 1950s wants to help, let him.

Dungeon of Bondage? Sign me up, Sailor!

It’s funny what they follow in the Old Testament and what they don’t. It’s like a Bible buffet for these ultra religious types. Also, from the way I read Acts 19:19 it was just what the people did in the story, not a command from God to burn anything. But what do I know? I’m not an ex-witch with a power ‘stache and a hard on for telling other people what to do.

Debbie sure swings easily from one crazy cult to the next.

The one thing that I take away from this is that the key to spiritual happiness is by burning things that other people tell me are bad. Yeah, just like the Nazis.

Small Print: This tract is copyright is owned solely by Jack Chick Publications. Please visit their website and buy lots of their tracts, if you enjoy them. They appear on this site for review purposes only.
  • 1. hahaha! Popples. :)
    2. Yeah, IF ONLY it was true that you got initiated in awesome occult practices through D&D!!!!!!!!!
    3. I wish (so much) that I could say I didn’t grow up around people who believed this kind of crazy bs AND that burned stuff left and right for this very reason. PEOPLE REALLY THOUGHT THIS STUFF (and still do, but I think the focus has moved on from D&D). =O
    4. Popples.

  • Vincent

    I knew you’d dig the Popples reference Emma. I just assume that all ladies would rather buy Popples than D&D, especially if you were living in the 80s.

  • Jason P

    Greatest… post… ever…

  • camilo

    Great post, I laughed several times. keep posting stuff like these.

  • Vincent

    Thanks, but it’s tough to create teh funny all the time. I will work on more stuff like this in the future, so keep coming back.

  • This is good times.

  • Ah shocks! I was 13th level wizard and nobody informed me I could cast spells for real!

  • Raph

    Frigin’ hysterical.

    Silly religious people. They need to learn to live and let live.

  • nameless

    hahah. Evil spirits, let Debbie go! This was hilarious. Although, I am a Christian and don’t think D&D is of satan at all. I can, however, appreciate a good laugh : )

  • I don’t know whether the author of these ridiculous pamphlets is still alive but he sure doesn’t deserve to be.

  • veit

    Quite great.

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  • Trini

    Sorry buddy, but the two greatest lines in the history of literature are contained in a comic, just not the one you’ve chosen. May I present, Tarot #53 as reviewed by “Chris”

  • Zaffron

    Obviously Chick comics are sublime, but your wholesale reprinting of Jack Chick’s work is insufferably lazy, if not illegal…and your “original” additions are negligible in quantity and substance. And you say this is the kind of quality post which takes so much of your time?

  • Vincent

    It’s technically a review, so no it’s not illegal. Thanks for your opinion though.

  • The article was cute and also shows no matter what you believe in you can take it to the extreme.

    I hope one day someone equates those Calgon take me away commercials to about how the modern housewife uses psychotropic bath enhancers to neglect her children.

  • Katy

    Wow. I saw this article almost a year ago and spread it with my friends. During the Gay Pride Parade we were handed out http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0273/0273_01.asp . They’re by the same group. Heres the list of all of them http://www.chick.com/catalog/tractlist.asp . I just thought you would might appreciate them….

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  • Ha Ha that’s too funny – the bible is full of miracles, magic and mystical happenings. Oh but that was long time ago…

  • D&D was occasionally preached against at churches I attended as a kid. Fortunately my parents thought the idea that D&D was silly. And I actually did play in one D&D group in college that had more girls than boys… it wasn’t very interesting they all thought that the whole dice thing got in the way of Role Playing.

  • This is a pretty rocking post. The scary thing is that people could read this (or really write this) and not see that it is really just 6 of one and half dozen of the other.

  • It is scandal!
    I think, that you are not right. I am assured. I can defend the position. Write to me in PM, we will talk.
    It seems remarkable phrase to me is
    I join. So happens. We can communicate on this theme.
    I apologise, but, in my opinion, you are not right. I am assured. I can defend the position.

  • Awesome! I read this when I was a young Christian pup and it totally worked for me… If by worked you mean having tens of thousands of dollars in D&D material and the ever creative urge to create worlds and write because of them… But then I don’t have the Jesus so, I guess it is all at a loss. GREAT commentary!

  • That’s why I always played a lawful good cleric. TO keep you Satan worshipers in line!

  • Xanadu

    The good folks at Enter the Jabberwock did another fine review of Jack Chick’s “Dark Dungeons” but didn’t pick up on a lot of the stuff that you mentioned. A really great article.

  • Vincent

    Thanks for the feedback!

  • Blar Smar-Half Ogre 5th lvl Barbarian

    . . . this is stupid, it’s not humorous because people believe this shit alot of the time(not majority ,but a considerable amount). I play D&D (obviously-the name) and this here is somewhat offensive, but i dont care, just like MANY (not all) christian beliefs , this comic spawned from ignorence- the greatest threat!

  • However i may feel about Jack Chick’s ethos, there’s no denying the man laid down some groovy lines. Check out those trees in the scene with the concerned faster – downright psychedelic! Like John Totleben inking pencils by Arthur Rackham…

  • And Chick tracks strike again.

  • Hueb

    D&D….evil? well then, Im gonna play fallout 3.

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  • Martin O.

    I play DnD and it’s not like anything posted here. It’s simply an imaginary game in which you chill with friends, talk, laugh, eat, and have fun. There is not a single person in my group of *ahem* 11!! that is even mildly over-weight and no one is even mildly under-weight. This comic is clearly an over generalization, and nearly everything is purely mythical and from the imagination of the creators. Seriously, the only things in it that are real are humans, and weapons, which include swords, axes, and bows, all of which you can find at the Renaissance Festival. the main reason why people like you think this way is because the media blew up one person’s fantasy, and we all know that there’s always some one who makes their fantasy their life. Everyone else is perfectly normal in every aspect of their lives, and probably a bit smarter that the rest of you morons because there’s also plenty of time to discuss philosophy. To be truly honest, you people are a herd of sheep, doing exactly what the media wants you to do.

  • Vincent

    Martin… who are you talking to? The people reading this? Me? There haven’t been many supporters of the views seen in the comic round these parts.

  • Ninja Kittens

    The article was meant to be funny, and that’s what it accomplished. I did play D&D (still want to) and its great to read things that are originally suppose to be serious, but instead only make the writer look retarded. Oh and Martin, it doesn’t take Vincents review to see how funny this is, just seems like your trying to defend a meaningless point.
    BTW great job Vincent.

  • Vincent

    Thank you Ninja Kittens. You are a fine person.

  • Rick

    She missed the poison trap? No saving throw? C’mon! Who’s the evil one here??!! I mean, I thought thieves had a class bonus against traps! OUTRAGE!

  • I agree with Rick. Not only was there no saving throw, the DM didn’t even roll for damage!

    Unless we’re allowed to do that now…

    “I enter the room.”

    “You are dead. Roll up a new character. Go kill yourself?”

  • Zero Effect

    Hey Martin O. You are too stupid to live. The end. I mean really. The entire point of this post was to point out how wrong and dumb the original comics views on D&D were. (in total agreement with your point of view) You fail at life my friend.

  • elt

    I remember playing D&D in the 80s. Now I’m disappointed I didn’t get these amazing powers ;)

    I wasn’t surprised when I saw it was a Jack Chick publication. When I was a young teenager, there was a woman who used to send us these all the time. I’ve read some really ridiculous ones, but hadn’t seen this one until now. Thanks for the Saturday morning laugh!

  • g

    What amuses me is the preacher having an epic pornstache and talking about a Dungeon of Bondage. I thought Chick Tracts were against that sort of thing?

  • Kergillian

    Okay, I have one big problem with this. I’ve been playing D&D for 30+ years, and NO ONE HAS EVER TAUGHT ME REAL SPELLS! Did I miss something? I’ve been ripped off! Seriously, who do I talk to about this?

  • Chris

    Ye gods and little fishes. In the early eighties, I played in the old assassin game where we ran around shooting each other with rubber dart guns. I remember an article in the local paper where various religious types were quoted referring to the obvious path we the participants were all following (hint: the same one paved with good intentions). That most of us were also D&D types was mentioned a few times. Apparently we were the harbingers of the coming apocalypse. Ah, good times.

  • oldgamergeek

    I never had the you will burn in smoking Hell for playing D&D at church (my Pastor was a great DM) or home, But when my public school teachers found out THEY CAME TO MY HOME AND RAGGED ON MY DAD to make me stop playing. Bad idea as Dad was a combat pistol champion as well as Korean war vet he had the medal that. He tossed them out on their butts then he got me more D&D stuff.

  • Vincent

    Wow oldgamergeek. That’s crazy.

  • Llama Ninja

    You know it’s bad when you have to hide your DnD books like porn from your parents..

  • mattb

    here are my reactions on a serious note and on the joking note:
    the guy who wrote this comic has never played D&D, has no intelligence whatsoever, and probably thinks everyone is crazy but him. all these supposed deaths due to D&D are coincidental. though it does suck when you’re character dies because you put so much time into it, those that die are mentally insecure crazies that belong in a rubber and foam room.

  • WHAAAT? So D&D is really a recruitment tool for the occult?

    If I had the power to cast real spells and control people’s minds, then I would definitely not waste my time at $200 worth of D&D material, although, that is a good way to keep your

    @Dungeon of Bondage? Sign me up, Sailor!: Seriously, where can I sign up?

  • Joe

    What edition is this DM playing?! It’s so… convenient. I wish I could just kill off some of the characters in my campaign without so much as a roll!

  • Chris

    I’m confused….in the first frame she’s playing a “wizard.” Later, she’s an 8th level cleric. Is the character a magic-user, or a cleric? They had to be playing 1st or 2nd edition here, and there wasn’t a wizard class.

    And if she was an 8th level cleric, why would she be fighting a ZOMBIE?! She could just “turn” it — probably without having to roll.

    I hate it when people don’t do their homework and know what their talking about, just like it’s written in 2 Babylonians.