D&D Kills with the Help of Satan!

If there’s one thing that the Bible has taught me, it’s that Dungeons and Dragons is evil. The tool of the devil, which disguises itself as a “game”, is a gateway to the world of the occult and Satan worship. In order to better illustrate this I’m posting Dark Dungeons, an informative little piece written in the early eighties that I should have known existed, but didn’t until I discovered it in a Topless Robot article.

You can’t tell me there’s not at least one fatty that plays with this group. This is also the only D&D session in the history of mankind where the number of girls equals the number of guys and there’s a hot female DM.

Did they roll to see if the thief died or does the DM just not use dice in her games? Because that alone would be pretty damned upsetting.

Who here hasn’t had this talk?

Hot damn, that’s a pretty fast transition. Apparently, when you reach level 8 things that should freak you the fuck out are no big deal. She could have been brought to a book club for Nazis and unicorns and it would have been totally cool.

This little comic tale here is sending the wrong message. Think about it. It shows that magic totally works and you can benefit from it immediately. Imagine you’re a kid and you’re reading this, when was the last time Jesus got you anything cool like D&D figures? NEVER. This comic reveals that magic is not only real, but you can totally get whatever the hell you want by using it by expending minimum amount of effort. Magic is so the American way of life.

Or… it’s just a crazy coincidence and Debbie’s Dad is trying to show interest in his daughter’s life and attempting to buy her love.

Side Note: This chick is the biggest geek in the universe. What girl wants two hundred bucks worth of D&D merch and not any clothes or Popples?

A. Exactly how is she fighting the Zombie without the assistance of the Dungeon Master?

B. It’s little details like, “I’m fighting the Zombie” that give away the fact the writer has never played nor looked at a D&D manual in his life. I bet she also listens to “the Twisted Sister” while she’s being all evil at her evil club.

C. Who in the bloody hell would bother even touching D&D again when you can freaking cast spells that work?! I’d be too busy having sex with cheerleaders and eating free pizzas if this was me.

Uh-oh! This can’t be good.

Yep, proof positive that teens get so absorbed in D&D that they cannot separate themselves from the characters in the game… disregarding the fact that this never, ever, ever, eveeeeer happened in real life.

You know it’s sad that this girl killed herself, but is D&D really to blame? She could have easily made a new character. I suppose it’s easier to blame a game than the underlying problems that really caused her suicide, which was obviously due to the facts that she was ugly and nobody liked her.

I hate to be picky here, but Marcie harmed herself. They were just mean to her. If I had a nickel for every suicide I caused by being mean… but do I lose sleep at night? No way! They were too weak! Don’t be stupid Debbie!!!

“I don’t want to be Elfstar anymore! I want to be Debbie!” have got to be the greatest two lines ever written in the history of literature.

I don’t know if I trust this guy. He was probably “fasting” so he’d lose weight for the wrestling weigh-in and thought he could bone her with that line.

If the football player that time traveled from the 1950s wants to help, let him.

Dungeon of Bondage? Sign me up, Sailor!

It’s funny what they follow in the Old Testament and what they don’t. It’s like a Bible buffet for these ultra religious types. Also, from the way I read Acts 19:19 it was just what the people did in the story, not a command from God to burn anything. But what do I know? I’m not an ex-witch with a power ‘stache and a hard on for telling other people what to do.

Debbie sure swings easily from one crazy cult to the next.

The one thing that I take away from this is that the key to spiritual happiness is by burning things that other people tell me are bad. Yeah, just like the Nazis.

Small Print: This tract is copyright is owned solely by Jack Chick Publications. Please visit their website and buy lots of their tracts, if you enjoy them. They appear on this site for review purposes only.
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  • ThatDarnCat

    I’ve been playing role playing games for about 30 years and I still haven’t been invited to learn the real magic.

  • DC

    These ultra-religious people give their respective religions a bad name.

  • Jon

    If Dnd players have access to powerful magic, tell me why most of them can’t conjure up a girlfriend?

  • This was hilarious!..i dont know which part is worst the witchcraft cult or the religious one..

  • ThatDarnCat

    I have role playing and Christian religion. It’s amazing what happens when you belong to a church where the ministry isn’t paid, they don’t get mad when you spend money on role playing games instead of giving it to them.

  • These things are pretty funny, but also annoying. I’m a role-player and a Christian. I run a Bible study and GM from time to time or play in a group with, guess what, other Christians. I even write a role-playing blog. I just hope anyone reading this doesn’t think all Christians are blind, self centred idiots.

  • pyro42

    Oh wow there are so many things wrong with this it hurts, now I am a Christian, in fact I’m a youth pastor, and I run a D&D game, and I have never once invited my players to a witch’s coven. As fair as the girl that hung her self, that has actually happened a few time, but it’s not D&D that made them do it, those people were emotionally unstable to begin with. And the theology is so wrong that all you can do really is just laugh.

  • Pol Llaunas

    Chick’s piece is fictional and absurd. But here you are a REAL history with the opposite situation: a real witchcraft practitioner became good Catholic by playing RPGs.

    And another real story of a man that also become a good Catholic by playing D&D, having love for history… he designed a tartan fabric for the Pope in his trip to Scotland!!! See at http://www.albanach.org/

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  • Derek

    C’mon, Command (“bondage spell”) lasts one frigging round. Longer than it takes to drive to the nearest gaming store and drop $200 on minis and sourcebooks.

  • David

    As a minor correction, your amusement over “which parts of the Old Testament they follow and which they don’t” follows and precedes panels with only New Testament verses referenced. Relatively little of Jack Chick’s stuff is based in the OT, since, like most evangelicals, his focus is on the act of salvation and grace.

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  • Alex Jensen

    I was surfing funny D&D comics on google and found this… is this an ACTUAL OPINION?

  • Of the original comic strip maker, yes.

  • Njål Henrik Sand

    Heh, and last time I checked, the devil was killable in D&d

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  • Zod


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  • Liberal Juggalo supremacist

    The Christians are right. This was a true story.

  • setnaffa

    It’s really amazing what happens when folks try to invent rules that God never did. It’s one of Satan’s biggest recruitment tools.

    In the Garden, the serpent asked Eve about fruit and she added to what God said:

    Genesis 3:1-3 (ESV) states: Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’”

    But God just said not to eat it. Folks should quit trying to add their own message. If you’re curious, you can find the Bible online and look it up yourself.

  • Chris Piers

    What’s that got to do with this story?

  • Shhh Chris, there’s a compelling story about a magic talking snake.

  • setnaffa

    You might want to read the story again. I know a lot of Christians who play D&D. I have been a player off and on since about 1975. I never met or even heard about any gamers like those in the Chick tract. So, the intent of the cartoonist might have been good; but there’s nothing in the Bible prohibiting role-playing games. He’s adding rules. Galatians 1:8-9 and Revelation 18-19 might be instructive to folks who want to do that.

  • Chris Piers

    No shit. That’s what we’re making fun of.

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  • I felt a lot more comfortable with D&D before Hasbro – the McDonalds of the military-industrial complex and possible real life Umbrella Corporation – bought it.

    The imagination has gone out of it, consumerism is in, and whilst I still don’t think it’s as good an introduction to nihilistic satanism as the grammy awards or the Process Church neither is it the wholesome opiate of intellectual children and engineering undergrads that it once was.

  • Kathryn O’Connor

    since Chick Fics are free, how is it illegal? Jack Chick wants his stuff copied and seen

  • Kathryn O’Connor

    as someone who played D&D for a few years as a young girl when it first came out, and as someone skilled in witchcraft, I never met any D&D player who got into real witchcraft. they all were too busy learning the game