Nerdom finally got to see Watchmen this weekend and oh boy, did we find out what suckage is. After scrutinizing and criticizing every minutia during the development of the film since it’s announcement, it’s been confirmed that Watchmen is horrible.
For one reason it’s too much like the original limited series (it’s not a graphic novel people, it was originally published in comic book form). For another, it’s not enough like the original. It’s too long, but it’s also not long enough. Look when I go into a movie, it must be exactly how I envision it in my head. Any deviation from what I personally find acceptable is inexcusable and I don’t think that is being unreasonable at all.
I also found myself face-palming through entire scenes like the sex scene. Hello?! Am I the only one that finds people having sex gross? I mean, I guess if I was having sex at all I might not have a problem with it, but it was like Zach Snyder was fucking taunting me with that shit.
Watchmen’s biggest flaw? The blue penis. Yeah, I know that there’s nudity in the comic and I’d be otherwise pissed if it was censored, but the comic version never made me want to touch it or have it gently brush against my face. At least when it’s on the page I was able to put electrical tape over every instance of penis in the comics, but I can’t put electrical tape over my eyes in a theater!
The action scenes in Watchmen are horrible as well. Why did they have to add so much action? To please the general audience? Well fuck them, we don’t need their acceptance (BTW did you see that Heath Ledger got the Oscar for his Joker? Dark Knight FTW!). You might be wondering how I can be upset over a penis and not the added violence. People exploding into chunks is cool, because it doesn’t make me think about having sex with a muscled-up dude. I think that should be obvious.
Finally, there’s the music in Watchmen. I can’t believe they used music. The limited comic series didn’t have music, why does the the director Hack Snyder use music? It’s ludicrous!
Don’t get me started on the changed ending. The new ending is terrible, but at least they didn’t use that retarded squid.
Now I need to wash the taste of Watchmen out of my mouth and get back to blogging on how J.J. Abrams is ruining Star Trek and how Terminator Salvation is going to bring about the apocalypse.