I’ve been thinking about my own mortality lately and I’ve finally come up with the ways I’d like to die when it eventually happens. Check it out!

1. Fighting a Nazi on a Zeppelin

I’m not really sure how it would happen, but I imagine that I’m fist fighting a Nazi on top of a burning Zeppelin that’s crashing into Nazi headquarters.

There’s really no better story that you’re loved ones can tell when someone asked them, “How did it happen?” You can’t just say, “Well, he died fighting a Nazi on a blimp” without giving more details. Better yet, during my eulogy I’d love for someone to say, “Vincent, died doing what he loved, fighting Nazis on blimps.”

2. Nuclear Bomb Blast

I’ve thought about the eventual nuclear holocaust a lot and I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to go out right away. Fuck building a shelter. What do you have to look forward to? They say that the living will envy the dead and I’d rather be envied than some sucker dying slowly of radiation poisoning or being processed in some robot run death camp.

3. A Giant Alien Squid Attack

It really would be nice to live in the peaceful world that would come from a giant alien teleporting into our world and sending out a psychic backlash that would kill millions, but at least dying from it would make you a part or the world peace. You’d be like a hero. Plus my family would probably get a nice fat, yet mysterious check from the Viedt corporation.

4. Transporter Accident

Woah there, before you start thinking I want to end up a as a pile of hellish goo with the only sensation I can feel being pain, that’s not what I’m looking at here. I’m looking at being transported off world during a dangerous encounter with an alien foe and being lost in the transporter buffer or something technical like that. First I’m there and then I’m not. No fuss, no muss. The benefit of dying like this is that even though there wasn’t a body, I’m sure there would be a ceremonial torpedo shot out in my honor with the Scottish guy playing bag pipes.

5. Under a Pile of Naked Brazilian Women

I think this one speaks for itself.

6. Crushed by a Stomping Godzilla

Out of all the ways I could be killed by Godzilla, I think being stomped upon would be the quickest, least painful, and still remain a kick ass death. I’m also assuming I at least had a good time in Japan before I was killed.

7. At the Hands of my Arch Nemesis Captain Crunch

If I must perish, I’d like it to be at the hands of my worst enemy.

8. Squirrels

I have no idea how it would happen, but I’m assuming it would be both painful and hilarious.

9. Throwing the Emperor Down a Shaft

If I turn evil, I want someone to convince me that there’s still good in me and then in a critical moment I would sacrifice myself to save the people I love. That would be awesome.

* Sweet illustration comes from here.

10. By the Ultimate Nerd Film

Have you ever seen the film In the Mouth of Madness where a book/movie turns people crazy? I’m sure that there’s the opposite possibility that there will be a movie developed that’s so awesome that you die in eternal bliss from watching it. It would have to have some combination of robots, dinosaurs, boobs, ninjas, cowboys, and zombies combined with lots of space combat. Oh yeah, and there’d have to be a lot of puppies.

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