Six Reasons Why Conan Would Kick a Predator’s Ass

Try not to wet yourself too badly while looking at this image.

Try not to wet yourself too badly while looking too bad at this image.

Since not everyone follows my brilliance on Twitter (shame on you) I decided to collect some of my “tweets” that I found entertaining the other day. It all started with this challenge by a dude to see who would win in a fight between Predator, Conan, and King Leonidas.

The Predator in question is the Predator from the first film armed with only his spear and wrist blade, thanks to his honor code. Conan the Barbarian is the Conan from the movies, which is an important distinction, due to the fact that the Conan from the books kick way more ass. King Leonidas is, of course, from the movie 300.


He couldn’t kill this guy? Really?

1. King Leonidas couldn’t even seal the deal against King Xerxes. He’d end up bowing to the Predator and then missing with his spear.

In this battle it is easy to take out Leonidas. Without his 300 troops the wind has been taken out of his sails. If you want to take out regular troopers and maybe a charging beast here and there, he’s your man. If you need a commander with crazy abs and a beard, look no further than Leonidas. That sad fact is that Leonidas shit the bed when it mattered the most. He failed to take out King Xerxes who was clearly just a gay giant. Leonidas wouldn’t stand half a chance against the Predator.


Conan eats demons for breakfast.

2. Conan’s Kill Count: 2 mini-bosses, 1 giant snake, 1 snake king, and 1 evil witch. Conan would eat a Predator for breakfast.

As I said before, movie Conan is just a weaker shade of book Conan, but he does a great job of kicking ass in the two Conan flicks (this was written before the release of the third, non-Schwarzenegger Conan film). Not only does Conan kill scores of fellow gladiators and foot soldiers, he manages to kill Thulsa Doom’s personal body guards who were seriously bad ass. He also kills a huge snake and a demon.


Mud is a pretty lame Achilles heel.

3. The first Predator (the one in question) was killed by a body builder covered in mud. Victory goes to Conan.

This pretty much speaks for itself. Sure, Dutch had all night to make all kinds of crazy traps, but basically he was unarmed. Conan has a sword and he too can prepare traps. People seem to forget how smart Conan is. Sure he’s afraid of magic and he’ll punch a camel now and then, I’m not saying he’s a genius. He’s cleaver though and a master of combat strategy on the battlefield. You don’t survive to become a barbarian King by pure luck and muscles alone.


For such a tough species, they sure die a lot.

4. The Predators die at THE END OF EVERY MOVIE THEY APPEAR IN. Not exactly a stellar victory record. #teambarbarian

As much as I love the Predator, they don’t have a confidence building victory record in the films. Even when they do win, they die. That might be a win in the Predator column, but most humans don’t have some crazy hard on for death.

Couldn't kill this guy, huh?

Couldn't kill this guy, huh?

5. If Danni Glover, Adrien Brody and a fat Laurence Fishburne can kill Predators, Conan could fucking kill 100 of them. #teambarbarian

The one pretty much speaks for itself. As a side note, the one thing that really bugged me about Predators was the fact Laurence Fishburne was fat on a world where he had to struggle to survive and avoid the constant threat of death. That dude should have been lean as Sizzle-Lean, not all tubby like he just walked away from the craft services table at CSI.

The Predator can kill a guy who has suffered major head trauma. Great job.

The Predator can kill a guy who has suffered major head trauma. Great job.

6. Predators look bad ass and are “cool” and sure they can kill Gary Buseys and high schoolers, but a grade A Barbarian bad ass? No contest.

Again, this speaks for itself. And when the Predators have had a tough opponent they’ve lost. Look at the chump Predators that were taking out early in the first AvP and at the end of that flick the Predator had to have a human help him! Sad.

Now I will concede that there is only one questionable aspect of this battle. Would Conan know to run when the Predator activated his bomb? I say that the Predator wouldn’t even have the opportunity, because he’d be beheaded or de-limbed before he had a chance to activate it. However if the Predator did manage to start the count down, Conan can be pretty smart when he needs to be. I think he’d know to run.

What do you think? Can the Predator defy logic and beat Conan? Could Conan escape the final count down of a Predator nuke if it came to that?

  • I agree on every point. There is no failure in your logic! Conan always wins.

  • Thank you. Also, LOVE that avatar.

  • Noah Dea

    Sorry, the logic fails on the first point. Leonidas would slice Conan six ways to Sunday and still have time to flick the blood off the blade in the time the Barbarian raised his sword. Conan was a little too showy of those biceps of his, and it wouldn’t do to move them too quickly. Plus, Leonidas definitely had the cooler accent. Like it was said, would’ve been different had it been the book Conan. And Leonidas may have had his 300 troops, but Xerxes had millions; the former had just gone through a march from Sparta and two days of nonstop battle whereas Xerxes just stood there watching (and cursing). You got the Predator right though.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  • Mecha-Shiva

    Predator WAS killed by Conan(Arnold,lol,same actor),Dutch was possessed by his ancestor Conan.Remember how he set up traps similar to the part in the Conan Movie in that burial Mound that looked like Stonehenge where he got saved by Valeria’s ghost?

  • Noah, you are out of your mind. You are welcome though.

    Mecha, that’s what I was referring to when I say that Conan is smart when he needs to be.

  • Mecha-Shiva

    Lol at fat Laurence Fishburne not having any chances of survivalhe seems to be channeling the other black dude who keeps shaving with disposable razors in Predator 1.

  • Jeffrey Hull

    It wasn’t so much as being covered in mud, but his body temp dropped from the river. If you remember, the predator used infrared to see targets.